WEBVTT
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(soft lighthearted music)
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Welcome to "Hadley Presents."
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I'm your host, Ricky Enger, inviting you to sit back, relax,
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and enjoy a conversation with the experts.
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In this episode,
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Hadley's Director of Community, Marc Arneson,
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along with Tara Perry and Eugenia DeReu,
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join us to discuss the impact
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of vision loss on friendships.
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Welcome to the show, everyone.
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Thank you.
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Hey, Ricky.
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Hey, so glad to have you all.
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I think we were establishing new friendships
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just before we started this recording, which is always good.
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(group laughing)
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Yes.
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That is cool.
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So we're talking today about friendship
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and how that can change
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along with vision changes that you're experiencing.
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And it's something that people ask about a lot.
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And one of the things that we really appreciate
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being able to do with this podcast
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is showing people that these experiences
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that you're going through,
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it's not just you, it's happening to other people,
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and here are some tips for navigating that.
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So I know we're going to have a great conversation.
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Marc has some excellent questions lined up.
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Before we jump into that,
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why don't we just get a brief intro
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from each person, and then off we go.
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So, Marc, you've been here before, so make it quick.
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We'll start with you. (laughs)
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Okay, I'll do my best to make it quick.
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So I do a variety of things here at Hadley,
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but one of the things I love doing
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and one of the things I get a chance to do
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is to visit different groups
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and go to conferences and stuff like that,
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and just share about all the things
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we're trying to do here at Hadley to help.
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Fantastic. And, Tara, how about you?
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Tell us a bit about yourself.
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Well, I'm Tara Perry,
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and we're talking about friendships today and vision loss.
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So I will describe my vision loss a little bit.
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I have retinitis pigmentosa
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and would consider myself pretty much total.
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There are days where I might be able to tell it's daylight,
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or maybe not, if it's cloudy or overcast,
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which is great 'cause I can always just think it's sunny,
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even if it isn't.
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And I think talking about friendships,
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probably even more important for me to know
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is that I'm an introvert.
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So that impacts friendships
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as much or more than my vision loss at times.
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Definitely, as much as I talk for a living,
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I'm an introvert as well.
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And so I know that forcing yourself, in some cases,
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to be more outgoing than you are naturally
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can be a little bit of a challenge.
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Eugenia, tell us a bit about yourself.
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Yes, I am 62. I'm in the Buffalo,
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New York, area.
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I lost my vision a few years back.
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I had a brain tumor, size of a baseball,
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in the middle of my forehead, and we didn't really know it.
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So I started losing my vision before that.
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And I was, you know,
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I just ended up with surgery and all that,
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and it damaged my ocular nerves.
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I'm legally blind, I'm not fully blind,
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but it's not gonna get any better.
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It's just gonna kind of continuing to get worse.
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So that's where I am with that right now.
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All right, well, thank you all so much for
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the intros.
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So I'm looking forward to learning about
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how you all are managing these friendships
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and just some tips that you're willing to share.
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So with that, Marc,
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and I know you have some great questions,
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let's get into it.
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Yeah. Thanks, Ricky.
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Okay, so first question,
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can you remember a time when it was, you know,
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difficult or maybe uncomfortable
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to tell your friends about your vision loss?
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And then just a second part to that,
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how did you decide to tell them?
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And then, how did it go? How about you, Eugenia?
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Have you had that kind of experience?
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Well, I had separated myself from my
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friends a little bit
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because I wasn't functioning mentally
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because of the brain tumor.
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And with my family, I will say,
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I was afraid to tell them that I was having trouble,
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because I'm the one that pulls it all together.
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I'm the one that did everything for everybody,
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and I was afraid to tell them
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because I didn't wanna let them down.
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And then it came to the point
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where I really stopped functioning, and the driving.
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I got pulled over by the cops a couple times
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because I was swerving, you know,
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and I didn't know I was doing it.
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And I didn't realize at that time,
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my friends were looking for me.
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They were there. I just didn't know it.
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They were trying to find out where I disappeared to.
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And by the time everything happened,
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when I was in the hospital
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and then found out, you know, the vision,
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they were still there for me.
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And I just had to come around and realize it.
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So I guess, you know, it was a little different for me, too.
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It wasn't anybody...
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I can't say they left, or they didn't...
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They never left. I just didn't know it.
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Mm-hmm, yeah, absolutely. No, thanks for sharing.
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And this next question I have
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might be a little bit different then.
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And, Tara, maybe we can start with you.
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Maybe, it doesn't sound like things maybe changed day-to-day
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on a practical level,
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but maybe navigating different circumstances
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became a little different for you.
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Like I was thinking about, like, you know,
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you meet up with friends for lunch,
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and it's tough to get there,
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with transportation, and not being able to drive,
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or I know oftentimes friends like to go shopping together.
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And I've heard, you know,
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sometimes they like to try on outfits
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and get opinions about those outfits and things like that.
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(group laughing)
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What do you mean you just heard about that?
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I've heard that's a thing-
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You mean with the ladies?
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with friends. (laughs)
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But I just, you know, I was wondering
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about kind of navigating some of these situations
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like transportation and, you know,
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going to the movies and that kind of thing.
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Can you share a little bit
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about how you've navigated some of that stuff?
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Oh, sure, so referring back,
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the losing the ability to drive, it does change things,
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and especially, I think, for me, it sort of changed things
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I would like to have done for people.
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Like, you run out and pick up soup for a friend who is sick,
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or you might, you know, go pick a gift up,
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or things like that.
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So then getting together and not being able to drive
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means everybody's gotta come get Tara.
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And for many years, I lived in the DC area,
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and so you can't take that lightly,
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because coming to meet somebody,
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it's traffic, and it's time, and it's not convenient.
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You know, there truly is a traffic problem there.
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So I had to learn that when people would say to me,
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"I'll come, you know, I'll just come get you,"
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and you know, and I'd say, "Is it okay?"
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Or I'd second guess, "Are you sure?
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Is it not convenient?"
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Just that's my personality, my nature.
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And finally, I have a friend that said to me,
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she said, "Tara, if we didn't wanna do it, we wouldn't.
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And if we didn't wanna do it, we wouldn't suggest it.
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So could you just say yes and thank you?"
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And friendship is a two-way street.
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We learn from each other.
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And so, you know, they come get me.
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They do kind of tease me, "Oh yeah,
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Tara never drives herself, blah, blah, blah."
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(chuckles) You know, that kind of thing.
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You know, so I'm very fortunate that they come.
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And, you know, there are times where it doesn't work out,
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and that's to be expected, and that's okay, too.
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But they've always been very willing,
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even if it hasn't necessarily been
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a convenient travel situation or traffic situation
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or those kind of things.
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And I love what you're saying about the outfits.
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'Cause, you know, news to me,
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not everybody does that, Marc, I don't know.
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Maybe they do. I'm the odd one out.
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(group laughing)
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And so both with my friends I've had for a
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long time
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and with new friends, it's kind of a joke.
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Because yes, Marc, we do go in,
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we like to give each other critiques about our outfit.
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Like, I have been told more than once,
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"You're not very helpful."
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(group laughing)
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"Do you have an opinion?"
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I'm like, "Yeah, just look in that mirror."
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And usually I'm pointing to the wall
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that doesn't have the mirror,
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so I'm not helpful that way either.
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And for me, I wish I could say,
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'cause there's nothing like, I call it the girl,
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you know, the good girlfriend advice,
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that lays it on the line and says,
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"Yeah, don't go out on that,"
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or, you know, "Yeah, that one's going well,"
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so, you know, again, just the dynamic.
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And I think your thought about the movies,
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for a long time, people just kind of thought
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I wouldn't want to go.
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And, again, it's getting to that conversation of, you know,
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do you wanna go, or do you not wanna go,
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and not taking it off the list just for the assumption.
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So, you know, I might sleep through the action movie.
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And usually if people choose those, I'll say,
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"Yeah, it might be a great nap for me,"
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but if you have one with dialogue
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or things like that, then, you know.
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So we kind of make those choices together
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once we've had that initial conversation of,
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"Oh sure, let's go to the movies."
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And I'll bring that up, you know,
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instead of having someone else have to do it sometimes,
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so changes that you negotiate.
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Yeah, I was curious, are those things
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that you're bringing up with your friends,
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or are they comfortable approaching
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those kind of conversations with you, do you think?
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I think with the friends I've had for a long time,
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we're both very comfortable.
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That's just part of our friendship.
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And I've had to learn as well,
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like how to be more helpful to them.
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'Cause they don't live with this vision loss every day,
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and I do.
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And so with new people,
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I have found it to be easier for me just to bring it up
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and say, "Hey, I like to go to the movies,"
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you know, "Is there an interest there?"
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Or going to go eat and trying to figure out, you know,
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do I say, "Can I ride with you, or shall I meet you there?"
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So I find it easier just to try to be open about those
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with the new people as much as I can gauge,
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and try to do that.
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That's good advice. Eugenia, how about you?
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Have you had to negotiate some of these different events
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and things that you go do with your friends?
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I have in it, and I agree with Tara.
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At first, it was difficult to ask people or say,
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"I just have to figure out the ride."
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That's what my famous statement was.
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"I just gotta figure out my ride system."
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You go to doctors, you go anywhere, movies,
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you know, just for a cup of tea or something,
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and I have to say, I've had to accept things.
261
00:10:12.540 --> 00:10:15.990
People want to give you rides. They want to help you.
262
00:10:15.990 --> 00:10:17.250
And I've had to accept it
263
00:10:17.250 --> 00:10:19.927
'cause, again, usually I'm the one saying,
264
00:10:19.927 --> 00:10:22.380
"Hey, let's do this. Let's do that."
265
00:10:22.380 --> 00:10:25.440
I did, like Tara, I do bring up, I love movies.
266
00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:28.077
I grew up on them. I don't wanna miss that.
267
00:10:28.077 --> 00:10:32.340
And I can't see everything, but I can hear it,
268
00:10:32.340 --> 00:10:33.750
and I can pick out those actors
269
00:10:33.750 --> 00:10:35.017
better than anybody that's sitting around me,
270
00:10:35.017 --> 00:10:37.380
you know, because of the voices and everything,
271
00:10:37.380 --> 00:10:38.850
and I enjoy it.
272
00:10:38.850 --> 00:10:40.350
And so that part, yes.
273
00:10:40.350 --> 00:10:43.500
And the couple things I learned
274
00:10:43.500 --> 00:10:46.710
through becoming legally blind, through my state,
275
00:10:46.710 --> 00:10:50.580
they gave me help, and I didn't know it was there.
276
00:10:50.580 --> 00:10:54.480
They gave me the opportunity to know there was a van system
277
00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:55.800
that will get me places.
278
00:10:55.800 --> 00:10:57.900
And a lot of things, there's like,
279
00:10:57.900 --> 00:11:01.047
even an ATM, you could put earbuds in it,
280
00:11:01.047 --> 00:11:02.700
and it'll talk to you.
281
00:11:02.700 --> 00:11:05.460
You plug it in, and it'll talk to you, if you go to an ATM.
282
00:11:05.460 --> 00:11:07.170
It has the braille system.
283
00:11:07.170 --> 00:11:09.390
A movie theater will have, I don't know,
284
00:11:09.390 --> 00:11:12.870
they're earbuds, I guess, that will help you hear,
285
00:11:12.870 --> 00:11:14.557
or it'll talk you through it,
286
00:11:14.557 --> 00:11:17.430
"Oh, so and so walked across the street."
287
00:11:17.430 --> 00:11:19.110
Yeah, audio description.
288
00:11:19.110 --> 00:11:20.430
But nobody else can hear it.
289
00:11:20.430 --> 00:11:21.552
Nobody else can hear that.
290
00:11:21.552 --> 00:11:25.140
So that is something that I've learned.
291
00:11:25.140 --> 00:11:29.070
With friends and family, I will say friends, no,
292
00:11:29.070 --> 00:11:31.770
but a family member, always,
293
00:11:31.770 --> 00:11:33.270
this is the other side of it,
294
00:11:33.270 --> 00:11:35.940
always says, "Oh, I'm her Uber."
295
00:11:35.940 --> 00:11:36.773
Right.
296
00:11:36.773 --> 00:11:39.131
And it's funny in the first moment
297
00:11:39.131 --> 00:11:39.990
you say it, (laughs)
298
00:11:39.990 --> 00:11:42.030
but after you've said it a thousand times,
299
00:11:42.030 --> 00:11:44.400
it makes it on the embarrassing side.
300
00:11:44.400 --> 00:11:46.740
Again, they're helping me. So what can I say?
301
00:11:46.740 --> 00:11:48.960
But I guess the acceptance on that,
302
00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:50.460
it's the loss of the independence.
303
00:11:50.460 --> 00:11:53.070
It's a lot of getting through that.
304
00:11:53.070 --> 00:11:55.260
It's an emotional factor.
305
00:11:55.260 --> 00:11:58.530
And with friends, they are there.
306
00:11:58.530 --> 00:12:01.830
They've been there, and they do help me. They want to help.
307
00:12:01.830 --> 00:12:06.830
So I have accepted, and like you're back to normal with,
308
00:12:06.990 --> 00:12:08.100
I just don't drive anymore.
309
00:12:08.100 --> 00:12:11.550
So, but I still do a lot of things with my friends.
310
00:12:11.550 --> 00:12:13.470
And I've made myself do that, too,
311
00:12:13.470 --> 00:12:16.230
because sometimes people don't know how to react
312
00:12:16.230 --> 00:12:21.230
to illnesses or vision loss, or they just don't.
313
00:12:21.270 --> 00:12:24.270
And, you know, you're trying to navigate it yourself,
314
00:12:24.270 --> 00:12:26.460
but you're trying to help them navigate it, too.
315
00:12:26.460 --> 00:12:28.170
It's a journey for all of us.
316
00:12:28.170 --> 00:12:31.740
And I think that's, the acceptance,
317
00:12:31.740 --> 00:12:33.570
for me, is a lot of it.
318
00:12:33.570 --> 00:12:34.890
But yeah, they're there for me,
319
00:12:34.890 --> 00:12:38.130
and it's just getting through it, I guess.
320
00:12:38.130 --> 00:12:39.480
I've gone back to a book club
321
00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:41.774
that I didn't think I'd ever go back to,
322
00:12:41.774 --> 00:12:46.020
and that's a big friendship that I have, with five of us.
323
00:12:46.020 --> 00:12:49.470
It's only five of us, but it's something that I relied on,
324
00:12:49.470 --> 00:12:52.113
and we've all figured it out.
325
00:12:53.100 --> 00:12:53.933
No, thanks for sharing.
326
00:12:53.933 --> 00:12:56.550
And, Eugenia, you know, just when you mentioned,
327
00:12:56.550 --> 00:12:58.290
you know, the Uber comment that you made,
328
00:12:58.290 --> 00:13:00.690
and this next question, I'm gonna jump a question.
329
00:13:00.690 --> 00:13:03.177
And, you know, the question was, you know,
330
00:13:03.177 --> 00:13:04.902
are there any friendships that didn't last
331
00:13:04.902 --> 00:13:06.095
because of your vision loss that you can share?
332
00:13:06.095 --> 00:13:09.300
Because I'm wondering about even kind of difficult moments
333
00:13:09.300 --> 00:13:10.860
that you've had to encounter with friends,
334
00:13:10.860 --> 00:13:12.210
and how do you navigate those?
335
00:13:12.210 --> 00:13:14.370
Like you said, the first time it was kind of funny,
336
00:13:14.370 --> 00:13:16.290
but after a while it's no longer funny,
337
00:13:16.290 --> 00:13:18.150
and you just want them to stop saying that.
338
00:13:18.150 --> 00:13:19.950
Yes, it's... (laughs)
339
00:13:19.950 --> 00:13:21.840
So I wonder, are there other moments like that,
340
00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:23.670
where you've had to have conversations
341
00:13:23.670 --> 00:13:25.560
with some of your friends that were, you know,
342
00:13:25.560 --> 00:13:27.090
maybe a little bit difficult?
343
00:13:27.090 --> 00:13:28.023
It is, but you know what,
344
00:13:28.023 --> 00:13:33.023
I don't wanna hurt somebody's feelings, so I am cautious on,
345
00:13:34.110 --> 00:13:36.240
even though I don't believe, in their hearts,
346
00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:37.890
they're trying to hurt me by saying it.
347
00:13:37.890 --> 00:13:41.160
So I find myself
348
00:13:41.160 --> 00:13:44.100
swallowing it a little bit and not...
349
00:13:44.100 --> 00:13:46.320
I mean, my sister, yeah, I'm gonna tell her
350
00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:47.820
'cause she's my sister. (laughs)
351
00:13:47.820 --> 00:13:50.850
I'm gonna say, "Okay, the Uber thing has to end."
352
00:13:50.850 --> 00:13:54.030
But saying that, she gets other people to say it.
353
00:13:54.030 --> 00:13:55.920
You know, and we joke, like,
354
00:13:55.920 --> 00:13:59.010
and this is probably not a good joke, but my family,
355
00:13:59.010 --> 00:14:02.100
my husband and my daughter that lives with us,
356
00:14:02.100 --> 00:14:03.510
you have to hold on to people,
357
00:14:03.510 --> 00:14:06.420
you have to have them guide you sometimes,
358
00:14:06.420 --> 00:14:09.702
and you know, I call it my seeing eye dog.
359
00:14:09.702 --> 00:14:13.860
And we could laugh about it, but other people may not.
360
00:14:13.860 --> 00:14:16.980
But the Uber thing, I don't know, I just,
361
00:14:16.980 --> 00:14:20.550
friends are more gracious about it than family sometimes.
362
00:14:20.550 --> 00:14:23.040
They're willing to help you almost too much.
363
00:14:23.040 --> 00:14:25.083
Where do you put those boundaries?
364
00:14:26.250 --> 00:14:28.380
Friends are always there to help.
365
00:14:28.380 --> 00:14:31.110
But like you said, there's so much to it.
366
00:14:31.110 --> 00:14:34.950
There's so much emotion to this
367
00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:37.290
that you just have to get through.
368
00:14:37.290 --> 00:14:40.290
I know it's on everybody, but there's really a lot
369
00:14:40.290 --> 00:14:42.780
that you have to deal with yourself,
370
00:14:42.780 --> 00:14:45.300
and nobody else can do it for you.
371
00:14:45.300 --> 00:14:46.133
Thanks for sharing that.
372
00:14:46.133 --> 00:14:48.450
Tara, how about you, like friendships
373
00:14:48.450 --> 00:14:50.940
that kind of went by the wayside,
374
00:14:50.940 --> 00:14:52.170
you know, because of your vision loss
375
00:14:52.170 --> 00:14:53.970
or, you know, maybe have there been challenging
376
00:14:53.970 --> 00:14:54.840
or difficult moments
377
00:14:54.840 --> 00:14:57.240
that you've had to kind of figure out together?
378
00:14:57.240 --> 00:15:00.065
Yeah, so I think tying back into the
379
00:15:00.065 --> 00:15:01.530
former a little bit,
380
00:15:01.530 --> 00:15:04.650
I was just thinking, as Eugenia was answering that,
381
00:15:04.650 --> 00:15:06.870
for me, so much of that conversation
382
00:15:06.870 --> 00:15:09.300
is so dependent on my level of trust.
383
00:15:09.300 --> 00:15:11.010
Again, I'm very fortunate.
384
00:15:11.010 --> 00:15:14.880
I've had some friends for 40 years, and many for 20-plus.
385
00:15:14.880 --> 00:15:18.390
And those friends, it's easier for me.
386
00:15:18.390 --> 00:15:21.390
But that's been over time, and it's been over experiences,
387
00:15:21.390 --> 00:15:23.040
and it's been over interactions.
388
00:15:23.040 --> 00:15:25.960
And I tend to
389
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:29.730
have to work to the point where I can be open
390
00:15:29.730 --> 00:15:32.820
and say, "Okay, this is something I'm dealing with,"
391
00:15:32.820 --> 00:15:34.710
you know, or, "Can we talk about this together?"
392
00:15:34.710 --> 00:15:37.890
And so it can take a long time. (laughs)
393
00:15:37.890 --> 00:15:40.500
So oftentimes I found friendships,
394
00:15:40.500 --> 00:15:41.910
I think there's a whole continuum
395
00:15:41.910 --> 00:15:45.000
of what those look like from, I don't know the terminology,
396
00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:47.610
but acquaintances to, you know, good friends,
397
00:15:47.610 --> 00:15:51.600
great friends, best friends, whatever that continuum is.
398
00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:55.440
And so, for me, how much I delve into those conversations
399
00:15:55.440 --> 00:15:58.350
really depends very much on what that relationship is
400
00:15:58.350 --> 00:15:59.970
and what that level of trust is.
401
00:15:59.970 --> 00:16:02.010
And if I don't foresee
402
00:16:02.010 --> 00:16:03.750
that that friendship's gonna move forward very far,
403
00:16:03.750 --> 00:16:05.970
maybe I just don't say anything or,
404
00:16:05.970 --> 00:16:07.137
which isn't very helpful,
405
00:16:07.137 --> 00:16:09.480
and that may not help the friendship move forward, actually.
406
00:16:09.480 --> 00:16:12.000
That may be, on my part, not beneficial.
407
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:16.500
So we have had some of those conversations along the way,
408
00:16:16.500 --> 00:16:19.470
and many of them seem to come up naturally.
409
00:16:19.470 --> 00:16:22.020
And I think also based on the friendships being different,
410
00:16:22.020 --> 00:16:24.210
like any relationship,
411
00:16:24.210 --> 00:16:26.340
you know, I might have a different conversation
412
00:16:26.340 --> 00:16:27.660
with one friend than I do another
413
00:16:27.660 --> 00:16:30.000
just based on what our interactions are like,
414
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:31.950
even trying to get the same point across.
415
00:16:31.950 --> 00:16:34.380
So I think the more recent thing for me,
416
00:16:34.380 --> 00:16:36.900
I've now had vision loss for 31 years,
417
00:16:36.900 --> 00:16:40.080
and with RP, I had acuity for a while,
418
00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:42.390
and then it went to losing that acuity,
419
00:16:42.390 --> 00:16:44.070
and then having light perception,
420
00:16:44.070 --> 00:16:46.590
and then losing light perception to the point where I,
421
00:16:46.590 --> 00:16:49.413
again, as I said earlier, I describe myself as total.
422
00:16:50.425 --> 00:16:53.820
So my newer challenge is in my figuring out
423
00:16:53.820 --> 00:16:56.310
that some things aren't very enjoyable.
424
00:16:56.310 --> 00:16:57.930
And it might be things that we've done
425
00:16:57.930 --> 00:16:59.130
for a long time together.
426
00:16:59.130 --> 00:17:01.447
And, you know, I have to be able to say,
427
00:17:01.447 --> 00:17:04.620
"Hey, you know, that's a very visual thing,"
428
00:17:04.620 --> 00:17:06.240
you know, or, "That's something we've always done before,
429
00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:08.460
but I'm just finding that it's not very enjoyable
430
00:17:08.460 --> 00:17:09.293
at this point."
431
00:17:09.293 --> 00:17:11.160
So I'm really having to work through that
432
00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:13.050
and then kind of come up
433
00:17:13.050 --> 00:17:14.610
with other suggestions or other ways,
434
00:17:14.610 --> 00:17:17.107
but taking that risk to be honest and say,
435
00:17:17.107 --> 00:17:19.290
"Maybe you could do that with someone different,
436
00:17:19.290 --> 00:17:21.127
and we could do this together."
437
00:17:21.127 --> 00:17:21.960
I think that's such a good point.
438
00:17:21.960 --> 00:17:24.543
I mean, I appreciate you bringing up the level of trust
439
00:17:24.543 --> 00:17:26.040
that is needed in the relationship.
440
00:17:26.040 --> 00:17:28.323
And that often just comes with the time.
441
00:17:29.430 --> 00:17:32.250
Eugenia, you brought up this idea of boundaries,
442
00:17:32.250 --> 00:17:33.210
and I thought maybe we could just talk
443
00:17:33.210 --> 00:17:34.230
a little bit about this,
444
00:17:34.230 --> 00:17:35.760
and if you guys have some thoughts to share,
445
00:17:35.760 --> 00:17:36.630
I'd love to hear 'em,
446
00:17:36.630 --> 00:17:38.100
but I've just heard from folks
447
00:17:38.100 --> 00:17:40.750
that oftentimes friends can wanna do everything for you.
448
00:17:40.750 --> 00:17:42.810
Like, maybe, you know,
449
00:17:42.810 --> 00:17:44.280
they're sometimes being overprotective.
450
00:17:44.280 --> 00:17:45.180
Or maybe it's the other end,
451
00:17:45.180 --> 00:17:48.930
where they're not so thoughtful about your vision loss.
452
00:17:48.930 --> 00:17:50.400
Have you ever run into that,
453
00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:52.650
a time when you've kind of had to establish a boundary
454
00:17:52.650 --> 00:17:53.970
with one of your friends?
455
00:17:53.970 --> 00:17:55.980
Yes. Yeah, definitely.
456
00:17:55.980 --> 00:17:59.880
I think that when people find you have this vulnerability,
457
00:17:59.880 --> 00:18:02.880
they think it's, you know, something...
458
00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:04.170
I don't find it a weakness.
459
00:18:04.170 --> 00:18:06.300
I find that I have to find the positive in it
460
00:18:06.300 --> 00:18:10.590
and find it a strength that I can adapt to my vision loss.
461
00:18:10.590 --> 00:18:14.430
And I am a strong person. I'm an introvert, also.
462
00:18:14.430 --> 00:18:18.660
And it's hard to get that across to people that, okay,
463
00:18:18.660 --> 00:18:20.820
I wanna find that independence,
464
00:18:20.820 --> 00:18:23.130
so don't grab that door for me.
465
00:18:23.130 --> 00:18:26.167
I have a lot of people when you're walking along,
466
00:18:26.167 --> 00:18:27.240
"Oh, there's a crack there.
467
00:18:27.240 --> 00:18:29.130
Oh, there's a crack in the sidewalk.
468
00:18:29.130 --> 00:18:30.400
Watch the door, watch this, watch that."
469
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:33.570
And I think, if I fall, scrape me off the ground.
470
00:18:33.570 --> 00:18:35.610
And I appreciate to a certain degree,
471
00:18:35.610 --> 00:18:40.093
but there are some people that cannot stop, you know?
472
00:18:40.093 --> 00:18:42.270
And I know their hearts are in the right place,
473
00:18:42.270 --> 00:18:46.110
they're just trying to help me, but it doesn't really help.
474
00:18:46.110 --> 00:18:49.410
It just, it holds me back emotionally.
475
00:18:49.410 --> 00:18:52.680
You have to establish some of the boundaries to say...
476
00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:55.380
And I think it's, again, an education for them.
477
00:18:55.380 --> 00:18:56.730
You have to find...
478
00:18:56.730 --> 00:19:01.140
And even when I went through vision therapy, they said,
479
00:19:01.140 --> 00:19:03.120
you know, when you're holding onto someone's arm,
480
00:19:03.120 --> 00:19:05.520
they're helping you, you don't have your cane with you,
481
00:19:05.520 --> 00:19:07.080
that you're holding on to somebody's arm,
482
00:19:07.080 --> 00:19:09.180
you have to train them how to do it,
483
00:19:09.180 --> 00:19:12.000
and they wanna do it their way.
484
00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:13.560
So I'm like, "Oh, no, no, don't do it.
485
00:19:13.560 --> 00:19:14.490
Don't lift your arm up for me.
486
00:19:14.490 --> 00:19:17.460
Just put it down here, and I'll hold you."
487
00:19:17.460 --> 00:19:18.600
For the most part, I've been lucky.
488
00:19:18.600 --> 00:19:21.840
But I've only had one friend, as I was walking behind,
489
00:19:21.840 --> 00:19:24.570
and I think I was actually in the wheelchair still,
490
00:19:24.570 --> 00:19:28.327
and vision loss, and slammed the door in my face. (laughs)
491
00:19:28.327 --> 00:19:29.293
Oh no.
492
00:19:29.293 --> 00:19:32.730
Yes, and that was a very close friend.
493
00:19:32.730 --> 00:19:35.660
But she didn't think about it, she didn't see that...
494
00:19:35.660 --> 00:19:37.440
I was just, you know, Eugenia.
495
00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:39.360
I was the same person I always was.
496
00:19:39.360 --> 00:19:40.920
So, in one way, you can say, well,
497
00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:43.740
she didn't see my vision loss, and the problem.
498
00:19:43.740 --> 00:19:46.800
I was just Eugenia, still the same person.
499
00:19:46.800 --> 00:19:49.123
You know, the door in the face was a little bit rude, but...
500
00:19:49.123 --> 00:19:50.558
(group laughing)
501
00:19:50.558 --> 00:19:51.570
Oh. (chuckles)
502
00:19:51.570 --> 00:19:54.690
So it's not just friends and family.
503
00:19:54.690 --> 00:19:55.980
There's a lot of people that don't know
504
00:19:55.980 --> 00:19:59.910
how to deal with somebody that has a disability.
505
00:19:59.910 --> 00:20:01.860
You know, I don't know what anybody wants to call it,
506
00:20:01.860 --> 00:20:04.200
but there are a lot of things out there
507
00:20:04.200 --> 00:20:06.330
that you have to figure out.
508
00:20:06.330 --> 00:20:08.460
So true. No, you're absolutely right.
509
00:20:08.460 --> 00:20:11.670
And I love how generous you are.
510
00:20:11.670 --> 00:20:13.710
You know, they're all well-meaning
511
00:20:13.710 --> 00:20:15.310
and good-hearted, (laughs)
512
00:20:15.310 --> 00:20:16.143
but sometimes they can be-
513
00:20:16.143 --> 00:20:16.976
They are. They are. (laughs)
514
00:20:16.976 --> 00:20:17.809
Yeah, kind of-
515
00:20:17.809 --> 00:20:18.916
Sometimes you have to-
516
00:20:18.916 --> 00:20:19.749
rub you the wrong way.
517
00:20:19.749 --> 00:20:20.905
give 'em a little slap,
518
00:20:20.905 --> 00:20:21.937
but you know-
Yeah, right. (laughs)
519
00:20:21.937 --> 00:20:23.610
They do have good hearts. I know that.
520
00:20:23.610 --> 00:20:26.400
I've been very lucky, my friendships that,
521
00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:29.310
and as Tara said, the older friendships,
522
00:20:29.310 --> 00:20:31.440
they just came back like it was no big deal.
523
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:34.050
We just were adapting to things.
524
00:20:34.050 --> 00:20:36.810
And I still feel the love, the friendship,
525
00:20:36.810 --> 00:20:39.660
but there is a trust to the degree, what Tara,
526
00:20:39.660 --> 00:20:42.960
with the vision, I still have some vision,
527
00:20:42.960 --> 00:20:45.390
and there's a trust
528
00:20:45.390 --> 00:20:49.470
that you really have to find with people.
529
00:20:49.470 --> 00:20:53.250
And I thank God for my friends because I do trust them.
530
00:20:53.250 --> 00:20:54.420
Thanks for sharing that.
531
00:20:54.420 --> 00:20:56.190
Tara, I'm curious, the same question,
532
00:20:56.190 --> 00:20:58.980
like, do you have friends that have wanted to kind of like,
533
00:20:58.980 --> 00:21:00.810
just do everything or may be overprotective,
534
00:21:00.810 --> 00:21:02.520
or maybe, again, the other spectrum,
535
00:21:02.520 --> 00:21:04.260
where they haven't been so thoughtful?
536
00:21:04.260 --> 00:21:05.760
And have you had to set boundaries
537
00:21:05.760 --> 00:21:07.230
around some of that stuff?
538
00:21:07.230 --> 00:21:09.540
Yes, and again, I think, I agree.
539
00:21:09.540 --> 00:21:11.520
I think people are well-meaning.
540
00:21:11.520 --> 00:21:14.790
I think, I truly can think of three instances
541
00:21:14.790 --> 00:21:18.720
in my 30-plus years of blindness where,
542
00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:20.190
you know, interactions have been negative.
543
00:21:20.190 --> 00:21:21.300
And those haven't been with friends.
544
00:21:21.300 --> 00:21:22.573
Those have been with just people,
545
00:21:22.573 --> 00:21:23.610
you know, you might have run into.
546
00:21:23.610 --> 00:21:26.340
So I think, for me, the odds are that usually,
547
00:21:26.340 --> 00:21:27.720
when people are doing something,
548
00:21:27.720 --> 00:21:29.400
it's coming from a good place.
549
00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:32.160
As Eugenia said, it might not be an informed place,
550
00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:33.810
but it's usually a good place.
551
00:21:33.810 --> 00:21:35.940
And so I have people that tell me
552
00:21:35.940 --> 00:21:37.140
that your greatest strength
553
00:21:37.140 --> 00:21:38.940
is also your greatest limitation.
554
00:21:38.940 --> 00:21:41.250
And mine is being independent.
555
00:21:41.250 --> 00:21:43.200
And, well, other people call it stubborn.
556
00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:44.730
So take your pick,
557
00:21:44.730 --> 00:21:47.370
whatever word choice you wanna choose there. (laughs)
558
00:21:47.370 --> 00:21:48.689
Whatever fits, baby. (laughs)
559
00:21:48.689 --> 00:21:50.430
(Marc laughing)
560
00:21:50.430 --> 00:21:52.470
You know, so I find that
561
00:21:52.470 --> 00:21:54.360
that's where most of my boundaries are,
562
00:21:54.360 --> 00:21:57.510
is I want to do things myself.
563
00:21:57.510 --> 00:22:00.690
And I've been independent forever,
564
00:22:00.690 --> 00:22:02.160
and I don't see that changing.
565
00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:05.430
And sometimes I can be a little stubborn about that,
566
00:22:05.430 --> 00:22:06.360
I guess, if you will.
567
00:22:06.360 --> 00:22:08.520
So I have had some situations
568
00:22:08.520 --> 00:22:10.087
where I've had to just say to someone,
569
00:22:10.087 --> 00:22:12.720
"Hey, you know, please don't do it for me,"
570
00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:14.880
or, "You're helping me too much."
571
00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:17.310
I was trying to think of very specific examples,
572
00:22:17.310 --> 00:22:19.530
and for several years, I owned a horse.
573
00:22:19.530 --> 00:22:22.320
And when I first was working with the horse,
574
00:22:22.320 --> 00:22:24.120
I just wanted to learn to do that on my own.
575
00:22:24.120 --> 00:22:26.610
He could see. You know, what could be the problem?
576
00:22:26.610 --> 00:22:27.910
He could see fine, and so,
577
00:22:29.250 --> 00:22:30.510
and a friend of mine,
578
00:22:30.510 --> 00:22:32.040
and I don't remember what he was doing,
579
00:22:32.040 --> 00:22:33.270
but he remembers to this day
580
00:22:33.270 --> 00:22:34.867
that I finally just looked at him and said,
581
00:22:34.867 --> 00:22:36.390
"If you keep trying to do everything for me,
582
00:22:36.390 --> 00:22:37.290
you can not come back."
583
00:22:37.290 --> 00:22:40.918
Now, I probably said exactly that. (laughs)
584
00:22:40.918 --> 00:22:41.820
We're still friends.
You don't remember it
585
00:22:41.820 --> 00:22:42.653
that way exactly, but-
586
00:22:42.653 --> 00:22:43.486
No, no, I probably did.
587
00:22:43.486 --> 00:22:45.120
We're still friends.
588
00:22:45.120 --> 00:22:48.930
And I get it, you know, that particular situation.
589
00:22:48.930 --> 00:22:51.210
There is more risk, you know, horses are big,
590
00:22:51.210 --> 00:22:52.403
and they're not always going the way you're going,
591
00:22:52.403 --> 00:22:54.870
and you can't see where you're going, so.
592
00:22:54.870 --> 00:22:56.520
But we worked through that.
593
00:22:56.520 --> 00:22:59.820
And hopefully I've learned to say things,
594
00:22:59.820 --> 00:23:01.140
you know, "Let me try this,"
595
00:23:01.140 --> 00:23:03.510
or, "I need to be able to do this today
596
00:23:03.510 --> 00:23:05.670
to feel good about something."
597
00:23:05.670 --> 00:23:09.270
I've also had to learn when it's okay to just step back.
598
00:23:09.270 --> 00:23:12.360
And I've had my friends have to set boundaries with me,
599
00:23:12.360 --> 00:23:14.490
and it hurts my feelings a little bit.
600
00:23:14.490 --> 00:23:16.320
And that's not their intent,
601
00:23:16.320 --> 00:23:19.290
but sometimes they say, "Tara, at this point,
602
00:23:19.290 --> 00:23:21.330
it's a little easier if we just do this,
603
00:23:21.330 --> 00:23:23.220
and then we can move on to something else.
604
00:23:23.220 --> 00:23:24.150
But your wanting to help
605
00:23:24.150 --> 00:23:27.060
is not necessarily helpful at this moment."
606
00:23:27.060 --> 00:23:30.390
And, you know, that's not something I want to hear.
607
00:23:30.390 --> 00:23:33.060
So I think it goes both ways.
608
00:23:33.060 --> 00:23:34.650
I have to set some boundaries,
609
00:23:34.650 --> 00:23:37.590
and I've had friends set some boundaries with me
610
00:23:37.590 --> 00:23:39.360
because of that need to help
611
00:23:39.360 --> 00:23:42.450
and not recognizing sometimes that, you know,
612
00:23:42.450 --> 00:23:44.700
this may not be the moment for me to do that.
613
00:23:45.540 --> 00:23:47.640
Eugenia, I heard you kind of jump in a little bit.
614
00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:49.890
Have you had that similar experience as well?
615
00:23:51.207 --> 00:23:54.090
I have, and you know, I agree with Tara.
616
00:23:54.090 --> 00:23:56.850
I think it's, you have to set the boundaries,
617
00:23:56.850 --> 00:23:59.400
and so do the people around you.
618
00:23:59.400 --> 00:24:02.880
And I have a lot of people that try to do too much,
619
00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:06.480
and you do have to say to them, "I'm good.
620
00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:08.550
I could do this," you know,
621
00:24:08.550 --> 00:24:12.273
and I do get, and I always say, my snarkiness,
622
00:24:13.470 --> 00:24:16.050
with people because they're trying to do too much.
623
00:24:16.050 --> 00:24:18.900
And I try to be nice about it,
624
00:24:18.900 --> 00:24:21.300
but sometimes you have to be a little firmer with people
625
00:24:21.300 --> 00:24:22.890
and say, "Nope, I got it."
626
00:24:22.890 --> 00:24:23.850
You know, "I'm good."
627
00:24:23.850 --> 00:24:26.400
And I always throw out that I'm trying
628
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:28.200
to be more independent.
629
00:24:28.200 --> 00:24:29.280
I'm trying to be independent.
630
00:24:29.280 --> 00:24:31.767
And sometimes people do back off a little bit.
631
00:24:31.767 --> 00:24:32.970
And I am trying to be,
632
00:24:32.970 --> 00:24:36.960
but then I also had to learn I do have limitations.
633
00:24:36.960 --> 00:24:39.720
I have to let them step in and help me.
634
00:24:39.720 --> 00:24:41.880
And that has been a big thing.
635
00:24:41.880 --> 00:24:45.090
It's just a juggling act you have to figure out
636
00:24:45.090 --> 00:24:46.290
as you go through it.
637
00:24:46.290 --> 00:24:49.020
And, again, I know Tara's been through this
638
00:24:49.020 --> 00:24:51.810
longer than I have, so you know,
639
00:24:51.810 --> 00:24:53.280
she's probably better than I am.
640
00:24:53.280 --> 00:24:54.113
I don't know. (laughs)
641
00:24:54.113 --> 00:24:55.410
Nope, no, don't go there.
642
00:24:55.410 --> 00:24:56.243
Yeah, well, it's such-
643
00:24:56.243 --> 00:24:57.076
I don't know. (laughs)
644
00:24:57.076 --> 00:24:57.963
a good point, though, because I think,
645
00:24:57.963 --> 00:24:59.430
when I was posing this question,
646
00:24:59.430 --> 00:25:01.050
I was thinking, you know, the boundaries
647
00:25:01.050 --> 00:25:02.490
that you have to set with other folks,
648
00:25:02.490 --> 00:25:04.937
but I guess I wasn't thinking of, it goes both ways, right?
649
00:25:04.937 --> 00:25:06.510
It is.
This is a friendship.
650
00:25:06.510 --> 00:25:08.400
And so sometimes it is-
It is.
651
00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:11.640
hearing suggestions and ideas and maybe boundaries
652
00:25:11.640 --> 00:25:12.960
that your friends are setting as well.
653
00:25:12.960 --> 00:25:16.470
So that's such a good point that I think that you both made.
654
00:25:16.470 --> 00:25:19.080
Okay, so another, I'm shifting a little bit here,
655
00:25:19.080 --> 00:25:23.040
how about friendships that you have now
656
00:25:23.040 --> 00:25:24.180
because of your vision loss,
657
00:25:24.180 --> 00:25:26.850
like you gained these friendships or relationships?
658
00:25:26.850 --> 00:25:28.320
Has that happened for you guys?
659
00:25:28.320 --> 00:25:30.060
Or can you share a little bit about that?
660
00:25:30.060 --> 00:25:31.260
I don't know who wants to jump in?
661
00:25:31.260 --> 00:25:33.390
Eugenia, do you wanna start us off?
662
00:25:33.390 --> 00:25:36.060
Yeah, sure, I have one that's,
663
00:25:36.060 --> 00:25:38.460
I know it's a kind of a funny one.
664
00:25:38.460 --> 00:25:42.420
When I finally started getting my brain back in order,
665
00:25:42.420 --> 00:25:44.610
and my, you know, everything going,
666
00:25:44.610 --> 00:25:48.360
and I was stuck at home, and I went back to Facebook,
667
00:25:48.360 --> 00:25:52.980
and I have friends in different states that we lived in.
668
00:25:52.980 --> 00:25:54.960
And so I started getting back to that.
669
00:25:54.960 --> 00:25:57.420
And I know, when I was feeling better,
670
00:25:57.420 --> 00:26:00.150
through all my rehab and whatever,
671
00:26:00.150 --> 00:26:02.910
I put on a dress, and I thought, oh, you know,
672
00:26:02.910 --> 00:26:04.050
I really like the way I look.
673
00:26:04.050 --> 00:26:06.330
And I was at that point, I was using a walker.
674
00:26:06.330 --> 00:26:09.540
So I took a picture, put it on Facebook,
675
00:26:09.540 --> 00:26:12.909
and I got a response from somebody named Babet,
676
00:26:12.909 --> 00:26:15.390
and I don't know a Babet. (laughs)
677
00:26:15.390 --> 00:26:18.960
And my Facebook is private. It's not public.
678
00:26:18.960 --> 00:26:20.727
So I was like, "Oh, thanks, Babet."
679
00:26:20.727 --> 00:26:22.860
And she says, "Oh, you look great.
680
00:26:22.860 --> 00:26:24.030
You're doing great."
681
00:26:24.030 --> 00:26:27.150
So then through that friendship, we kept talking.
682
00:26:27.150 --> 00:26:30.510
She has a group called Positivity that she had organized.
683
00:26:30.510 --> 00:26:32.340
She's a nurse. She's a minister.
684
00:26:32.340 --> 00:26:33.840
She's a wonderful person.
685
00:26:33.840 --> 00:26:35.460
She invited me to join it.
686
00:26:35.460 --> 00:26:36.600
I have been with this group
687
00:26:36.600 --> 00:26:38.100
for 2 1/2 years-
Wow.
688
00:26:38.100 --> 00:26:38.970
with all these people.
689
00:26:38.970 --> 00:26:40.800
I even have a friend in Italy.
690
00:26:40.800 --> 00:26:42.630
I've never met any of them.
691
00:26:42.630 --> 00:26:45.570
But they've prayed with me. They have cried with me.
692
00:26:45.570 --> 00:26:48.810
They've gotten me through some moments with my children.
693
00:26:48.810 --> 00:26:53.220
They are a big part of my healing with everything,
694
00:26:53.220 --> 00:26:56.760
including acceptance of many things.
695
00:26:56.760 --> 00:26:58.890
And that was the newest friendship.
696
00:26:58.890 --> 00:27:02.130
My old friendships came back, especially through Facebook,
697
00:27:02.130 --> 00:27:04.200
because we were able to talk to each other again.
698
00:27:04.200 --> 00:27:06.480
But Babet is a new one.
699
00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:10.530
And we still, to this day, have no idea how we connected.
700
00:27:10.530 --> 00:27:12.510
So it's one of those mysteries,
701
00:27:12.510 --> 00:27:14.760
I think some divine intervention came down,
702
00:27:14.760 --> 00:27:16.350
and I needed this group.
703
00:27:16.350 --> 00:27:21.210
They got me, they pulled me through a lot of trauma,
704
00:27:21.210 --> 00:27:22.590
you know, that I had at that time.
705
00:27:22.590 --> 00:27:24.840
And we're still going for each other.
706
00:27:24.840 --> 00:27:29.190
And I felt a purpose to help other people through that.
707
00:27:29.190 --> 00:27:32.310
So that is a friendship I cherish.
708
00:27:32.310 --> 00:27:34.350
That's wonderful. What a what an amazing community.
709
00:27:34.350 --> 00:27:35.520
Just hearing you talk about it is-
710
00:27:35.520 --> 00:27:36.353
Yeah, they're great people
711
00:27:36.353 --> 00:27:37.186
Getting all like goosebumps.
712
00:27:38.100 --> 00:27:39.997
Yeah, they're really great people.
713
00:27:40.969 --> 00:27:41.802
No, and it's...
714
00:27:41.802 --> 00:27:43.860
I mean, you hear about all the challenges with social media
715
00:27:43.860 --> 00:27:45.443
and the things that happen, but I mean,
716
00:27:45.443 --> 00:27:47.850
to hear a story like this is really kind of cool.
717
00:27:47.850 --> 00:27:49.500
Thanks for sharing that.
718
00:27:49.500 --> 00:27:50.370
Tara, how about you?
719
00:27:50.370 --> 00:27:52.320
Like, are there are friendships that, you know,
720
00:27:52.320 --> 00:27:54.300
have now become part of your lives
721
00:27:54.300 --> 00:27:55.980
because of your vision loss?
722
00:27:55.980 --> 00:27:59.280
It did, and it has, and fortunately it continues.
723
00:27:59.280 --> 00:28:02.160
So when I was losing my vision,
724
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:05.310
and things were happening so quickly way back when,
725
00:28:05.310 --> 00:28:09.660
I got introduced to a sight loss support group.
726
00:28:09.660 --> 00:28:14.340
And this is critical because I had that support then,
727
00:28:14.340 --> 00:28:18.390
and probably never since then until more recently again.
728
00:28:18.390 --> 00:28:21.120
So, you know, it's kind of funny that way.
729
00:28:21.120 --> 00:28:24.780
So, you know, I wouldn't have met them otherwise.
730
00:28:24.780 --> 00:28:28.620
And I was probably new to some of this vision loss stuff
731
00:28:28.620 --> 00:28:32.010
and really learned a lot from different people.
732
00:28:32.010 --> 00:28:34.650
You know, they kind of helped me get through that.
733
00:28:34.650 --> 00:28:37.620
And it wasn't a very long period 'cause I was only there
734
00:28:37.620 --> 00:28:39.960
as a part of that group for about a year,
735
00:28:39.960 --> 00:28:42.480
and then I started moving different places for my career.
736
00:28:42.480 --> 00:28:45.060
And I kept living in places
737
00:28:45.060 --> 00:28:47.077
where I often was, quote, unquote,
738
00:28:47.077 --> 00:28:48.450
"the only person who was blind"
739
00:28:48.450 --> 00:28:49.950
that I could find or anyone else.
740
00:28:49.950 --> 00:28:52.770
For so many years, literally for the next 30 years,
741
00:28:52.770 --> 00:28:53.700
I lived in places
742
00:28:53.700 --> 00:28:56.160
where I actually didn't have access to a support group.
743
00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:58.080
And, you know, prior to the pandemic,
744
00:28:58.080 --> 00:29:00.300
we didn't have all the virtual access that we have,
745
00:29:00.300 --> 00:29:04.110
so I just didn't live in, as a possibility.
746
00:29:04.110 --> 00:29:07.590
And then my most recent move,
747
00:29:07.590 --> 00:29:10.380
I reconnected with some of those same people,
748
00:29:10.380 --> 00:29:13.200
and those years weren't there in between.
749
00:29:13.200 --> 00:29:16.080
And, you know, still have that same connection with many,
750
00:29:16.080 --> 00:29:20.250
and it's just been such a gift to have people, you know,
751
00:29:20.250 --> 00:29:21.900
back in my life and, you know,
752
00:29:21.900 --> 00:29:24.720
who knows why things come and go.
753
00:29:24.720 --> 00:29:27.390
But I've always had a belief that, at the time in your life,
754
00:29:27.390 --> 00:29:29.880
there are people there for a reason, you know,
755
00:29:29.880 --> 00:29:31.230
and some people stay, some people leave,
756
00:29:31.230 --> 00:29:33.270
some people come back, and that's the beauty of it.
757
00:29:33.270 --> 00:29:34.440
To me, there's a flow to it.
758
00:29:34.440 --> 00:29:36.780
So I don't know if my friends would agree with that,
759
00:29:36.780 --> 00:29:39.633
but I do, so (laughs) hopefully.
760
00:29:40.560 --> 00:29:44.940
And then I've also met people throughout life
761
00:29:44.940 --> 00:29:46.530
that I know I would never have met
762
00:29:46.530 --> 00:29:48.720
had I not had vision loss,
763
00:29:48.720 --> 00:29:51.360
and just so many situations.
764
00:29:51.360 --> 00:29:53.100
And it's really been in situations
765
00:29:53.100 --> 00:29:54.600
where people have just been willing to help,
766
00:29:54.600 --> 00:29:56.550
or those kind of things.
767
00:29:56.550 --> 00:29:58.770
And I thought, wow, I would never have met you
768
00:29:58.770 --> 00:30:00.450
if I had driven myself to the store
769
00:30:00.450 --> 00:30:02.280
and picked out my own stuff, you know,
770
00:30:02.280 --> 00:30:06.690
or whatever the situation was where that help occurred.
771
00:30:06.690 --> 00:30:08.190
And we may not have become friends,
772
00:30:08.190 --> 00:30:11.280
but for that timeframe and those moments,
773
00:30:11.280 --> 00:30:14.130
it was incredibly helpful and valuable to me.
774
00:30:14.130 --> 00:30:17.730
Wow, what a great perspective
775
00:30:17.730 --> 00:30:22.730
and what an interesting thing that the vision loss itself
776
00:30:22.740 --> 00:30:26.550
was something that brought about the friendships.
777
00:30:26.550 --> 00:30:28.680
As you say, it was a positive thing
778
00:30:28.680 --> 00:30:31.470
that may not have happened
779
00:30:31.470 --> 00:30:33.810
if you still had your sight
780
00:30:33.810 --> 00:30:36.960
and could drive yourself somewhere or what have you.
781
00:30:36.960 --> 00:30:40.650
So I'm curious, this has been a wonderful conversation,
782
00:30:40.650 --> 00:30:43.860
and as we wrap things up and bring it to a close,
783
00:30:43.860 --> 00:30:45.900
I'm just wondering
784
00:30:45.900 --> 00:30:50.790
if there's anything about your friendships now,
785
00:30:50.790 --> 00:30:55.410
either in who your friends are, how they came to be there,
786
00:30:55.410 --> 00:30:58.230
or how you approach friendships in general,
787
00:30:58.230 --> 00:31:02.820
is there anything positive that vision loss has done
788
00:31:02.820 --> 00:31:06.330
in terms of impacting your friendships?
789
00:31:06.330 --> 00:31:08.490
I believe it gave me a different perspective
790
00:31:08.490 --> 00:31:12.450
on people's, I don't know, weaknesses,
791
00:31:12.450 --> 00:31:16.440
people's, what people call weaknesses, which again, I don't,
792
00:31:16.440 --> 00:31:19.290
but I think it has helped me
793
00:31:19.290 --> 00:31:22.200
be more sympathetic to people.
794
00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:26.970
And my friendships, I just guess I didn't realize
795
00:31:26.970 --> 00:31:29.427
how much love I have through these people,
796
00:31:29.427 --> 00:31:33.270
and when they find out what you're going through
797
00:31:33.270 --> 00:31:35.160
or what you have gone through,
798
00:31:35.160 --> 00:31:40.080
they show me that they applaud the steps I've made forward.
799
00:31:40.080 --> 00:31:42.390
You know, they go through the ups and downs with me,
800
00:31:42.390 --> 00:31:44.550
but that's the positive,
801
00:31:44.550 --> 00:31:47.877
that I have that support system with my friends.
802
00:31:47.877 --> 00:31:50.760
And I guess that, to me,
803
00:31:50.760 --> 00:31:53.130
has made me stronger.
804
00:31:53.130 --> 00:31:56.670
And as long as you're willing to accept that,
805
00:31:56.670 --> 00:32:00.090
and like you said, do boundaries, I could go into a store,
806
00:32:00.090 --> 00:32:01.980
and if I'm trying to figure out this,
807
00:32:01.980 --> 00:32:03.510
put the ATM or do those,
808
00:32:03.510 --> 00:32:05.160
I don't know what those little lines are where you,
809
00:32:05.160 --> 00:32:06.660
it beeps at you,
810
00:32:06.660 --> 00:32:10.950
the clerk behind the counter is willing to help me,
811
00:32:10.950 --> 00:32:15.480
and I think it makes them feel good, too.
812
00:32:15.480 --> 00:32:17.163
And that makes me feel good that,
813
00:32:18.330 --> 00:32:21.090
I may not be happy that I'm blind, or whatever,
814
00:32:21.090 --> 00:32:24.180
I'm adapting to it, but I like to be happy.
815
00:32:24.180 --> 00:32:29.180
And on the overall, I guess, I think with friends,
816
00:32:29.316 --> 00:32:31.320
I think it's become stronger for me,
817
00:32:31.320 --> 00:32:32.427
I think, those friendships.
818
00:32:32.427 --> 00:32:35.040
And it helps me get through day-to-day
819
00:32:35.040 --> 00:32:36.660
because the positive is what I need.
820
00:32:36.660 --> 00:32:40.550
And I don't know if that answers the question or not, but-
821
00:32:40.550 --> 00:32:43.260
It does, it just speaks to the fact
822
00:32:43.260 --> 00:32:46.680
that everybody has some kind of vulnerability,
823
00:32:46.680 --> 00:32:51.680
and being willing to show that to one another
824
00:32:51.750 --> 00:32:54.900
and find out, wow, it's not so bad,
825
00:32:54.900 --> 00:32:56.640
as you said, it's not a weakness.
826
00:32:56.640 --> 00:32:57.473
It's not a weakness.
827
00:32:57.473 --> 00:32:59.983
Vulnerability is a better word, yes.
828
00:32:59.983 --> 00:33:02.340
And you're not alone.
829
00:33:02.340 --> 00:33:03.990
Tara, how about you?
830
00:33:03.990 --> 00:33:05.280
Well, I was trying to think.
831
00:33:05.280 --> 00:33:07.230
Yeah, I feel so fortunate
832
00:33:07.230 --> 00:33:11.100
to have my friends over the long term, you know,
833
00:33:11.100 --> 00:33:13.950
really only a few that knew me when I could see,
834
00:33:13.950 --> 00:33:14.880
so, so many of them.
835
00:33:14.880 --> 00:33:16.380
And, you know, but again, we've gone through,
836
00:33:16.380 --> 00:33:18.600
so many of 'em, we've gone through that transition together.
837
00:33:18.600 --> 00:33:20.310
And so, just think it's so fortunate
838
00:33:20.310 --> 00:33:22.800
that people are willing to stay with you through that.
839
00:33:22.800 --> 00:33:24.477
And specific to the vision loss,
840
00:33:24.477 --> 00:33:27.030
and I think about this not only in terms of friends
841
00:33:27.030 --> 00:33:29.310
but just in terms of people,
842
00:33:29.310 --> 00:33:31.020
well, I hope when I had my complete sight
843
00:33:31.020 --> 00:33:32.970
that I could just take a person
844
00:33:32.970 --> 00:33:34.800
for who they were, if you will.
845
00:33:34.800 --> 00:33:37.470
And I think that's a beauty of losing your vision
846
00:33:37.470 --> 00:33:39.210
is really that's all you have.
847
00:33:39.210 --> 00:33:44.210
All those visuals that we see, all those non-verbals,
848
00:33:44.340 --> 00:33:45.570
you don't have those anymore.
849
00:33:45.570 --> 00:33:47.970
So you really just, you just interact with people
850
00:33:47.970 --> 00:33:50.160
as they come, or whatever they offer.
851
00:33:50.160 --> 00:33:53.190
And for me, that is a wonderful thing.
852
00:33:53.190 --> 00:33:54.690
It means you just kind of start out
853
00:33:54.690 --> 00:33:58.560
on the same place with everyone, and you build from there.
854
00:33:58.560 --> 00:34:02.310
So it either builds based on your interactions,
855
00:34:02.310 --> 00:34:04.350
or it doesn't build based on interactions.
856
00:34:04.350 --> 00:34:07.020
But I've always thought, if there was a gift in vision loss,
857
00:34:07.020 --> 00:34:09.603
it was to be able to take away judgment.
858
00:34:10.526 --> 00:34:13.500
I love that, Tara. I love that you said that.
859
00:34:13.500 --> 00:34:15.477
It means a lot to me.
860
00:34:16.337 --> 00:34:19.020
It's a beautiful statement, actually.
861
00:34:19.020 --> 00:34:22.154
Absolutely. Wow, this has been an
862
00:34:22.154 --> 00:34:24.180
amazing discussion.
863
00:34:24.180 --> 00:34:28.290
And I think, just even in this small amount of time
864
00:34:28.290 --> 00:34:30.000
that we've been together,
865
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:33.300
there's still some processing that happens,
866
00:34:33.300 --> 00:34:36.690
and some things that we learn about ourselves and each other
867
00:34:36.690 --> 00:34:38.730
in having conversations like this.
868
00:34:38.730 --> 00:34:40.710
And that's what it's all about.
869
00:34:40.710 --> 00:34:44.580
Again, thank you all for joining us,
870
00:34:44.580 --> 00:34:46.860
for sharing those perspectives,
871
00:34:46.860 --> 00:34:48.960
and just being willing to open up
872
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:52.590
and talk about things that might be a little bit difficult,
873
00:34:52.590 --> 00:34:56.790
and of course, also, to share those positive aspects
874
00:34:56.790 --> 00:34:59.790
of friendship as well.
875
00:34:59.790 --> 00:35:01.110
Well, thank you, everybody.
876
00:35:01.110 --> 00:35:03.420
Thank you.
Thank you.
877
00:35:03.420 --> 00:35:05.130
Got something to say?
878
00:35:05.130 --> 00:35:08.580
Share your thoughts about this episode of "Hadley Presents,"
879
00:35:08.580 --> 00:35:11.190
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880
00:35:11.190 --> 00:35:12.900
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881
00:35:12.900 --> 00:35:17.880
Send us an email at podcast@hadleyhelps.org.
882
00:35:17.880 --> 00:35:20.880
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883
00:35:20.880 --> 00:35:24.360
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884
00:35:24.360 --> 00:35:25.860
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885
00:35:25.860 --> 00:35:29.100
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886
00:35:31.320 --> 00:35:32.433
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