When Asking for Help Feels Hard

Ron: My name is Ron Peterson. I went to school and studied engineering and had a successful engineering career and retired about 10 years ago. And I began working as a volunteer at the Tijuana Estuary. I loved working out there 'cause I always loved being around nature, so I was planting native plants and removing invasive plants and helping maintain and clear the trails and such.

But then about five years ago, I lost my vision to glaucoma. The bottom dropped out pretty fast and it kind of surprised me. I wasn't really prepared for it, I guess I was in denial. And I wasn't able to work at the estuary. It just became harder and harder. And finally I just couldn't do any of that sort of thing anymore, and that was very disheartening to me. And I was really in a funk there, kind of in a deep hole for a few months. Losing your vision can throw you into a bad place for lots of reasons, but not being able to work in the estuary was certainly one of them.

One of the things I learned was how to ask for help. I'm one of those guys, through the years, I'm driving, I get lost with my wife and, and I'm gonna find my way. I'm gonna—we’re gonna figure this out. I don’t even ask someone. But one of the things you learn when you're blind is, you need help. And you have to swallow your pride a little bit. And I, I learned to ask for help. And I learned places to go to for help.

So one of the things I did was I talked to the staff there at the estuary, said, “I want to continue to volunteer here and I love, I love these plants. What can we do and how can I help?” And together we came up with this perfect solution that I would become a docent and I would guide visitors in sharing the beauty of these native plants, using the other four senses besides vision. Turned out to be a big hit.

What it did for me was amazing. It gave me a sense of meaning. And that was a very important part of how I climbed out of that hole to regain my life, to develop a full life once again. For me it worked.

Narrator: So let's take a moment and talk about asking for help. When you've lost some vision, even the most ordinary things can become harder, especially early on. Things you used to do without even thinking now take more time, more effort, or feel nearly impossible.

Take grocery shopping, for instance—suddenly tricky. Spotting a stain on your shirt from that messy sandwich—good luck. Even trimming your nails can turn into an exercise in frustration. And then there's asking for help with these things. That can be the hardest part of all. And let's be honest, for many of us, asking for help has never come naturally. As Ron shared, he was never the type to admit he needed some help. Even if that meant driving around lost for hours, he just didn't want to ask. Vision loss or not, some of us are just wired that way.

Now add in the emotional weight of asking for help with tasks that might seem kind of trivial or more personal in nature. Things like finding the right restroom or making sure your blouse matches your slacks. That can feel even more uncomfortable, right?

You worry you'll come off as helpless or incompetent, so you hold off. You don't ask for a hand even when you could really use one. Instead, you struggle for hours trying to do the thing yourself. Or maybe you avoid the task altogether. Or do you secretly hope that someone notices you struggling and steps in to help without being asked? And when they don't, do you feel disappointed? Even hurt?

On the other hand, sometimes when someone does step in to help, they may go a bit too far, they mean well, but tend to take over. So instead of feeling supported, you end up feeling sidelined, maybe even a little patronized. And this can make you even more hesitant to ask for help the next time you need it. But here's the thing—there are ways to make asking for help a little bit easier.

Let's start with this reality: Losing vision can really shake your confidence. Feelings of frustration, sadness, even resentment are likely to arise. So you might feel irritated that you even have to ask for help in the first place. This is all completely understandable. Knowing that these feelings are part of adjusting, well, that alone may help soften the edges of the situation.

Next, try to notice the moments when asking feels especially hard. What is it about that moment? For Ron, it was his pride getting in the way, pure and simple. Maybe that rings true for you, too. If so, you may want to consider asking for help not as a sign of weakness, but as an indication that you are growing through this. A small but powerful step in adapting to this new chapter of your life.

Another thing that can help is to think ahead. Who are the people you can trust for certain tasks? You may want to talk to them in advance. Let them know you will likely call on them from time to time. That way, when the moment comes and you reach out for their help, it feels more like a plan and less like an intrusion.

And when you do ask for help, try being specific about how someone can help and when it's okay for them to step back. For instance, you may need help finding the dairy aisle in the store, but once there, you'd prefer to be left on your own to take your time sorting through things. A simple “Thanks, I've got it from here,” can go a long way.

If you're out in public at a front desk, for instance, you can say something like, “I don't see very well, could you help me with these forms?” Or “I have low vision and I'm not sure where the room is. Can you help me out?” You don't need a long explanation. Just a little background info will likely get you the help you want.

And if it feels a little awkward, don't be afraid to bring in some humor if that's your style. Whether it's navigating the stalls of a restroom or figuring out your makeup, laughter has a way of easing tense moments.

And here's something else worth remembering: In general, people like to help. Really. Think back to a time when someone asked you for help and how good it felt to be there for them.

Now, if you're dealing with someone who tends to do too much—you know the type—it's okay to speak up calmly, let them know what's actually helpful and what's not. They're probably trying their best, but they may not understand what you need. So take the guesswork out of the situation. Explain a bit more, and put yourself back in control.

Another thing to keep in mind is this: As with many things in life, asking for help actually gets easier the more you do it. Each positive experience helps build your confidence. And before you know it, what once felt super uncomfortable starts to feel, well, natural.

Lastly, the next time you catch yourself hesitating to ask for a hand, take a moment to ponder what might be waiting for you on the other side of that request. For Ron, asking for help meant keeping a volunteer role he loved. Instead of walking away, he reached out to the staff at the estuary, and together they came up with a new way he could volunteer.

That conversation opened a door for him, a door that led to a renewed sense of purpose. And his vision loss didn't stand in the way. But it all started with one simple question: “Can you help me?”