The Impact of Vision Loss on a Marriage
Jan and Elgie Dow share how vision loss has changed their relationship and the advice they have for other couples.
Hadley Presents
The Impact of Vision Loss on a Marriage
Presented by Ricky Enger
Ricky Enger: Welcome to Hadley Presents. I'm your host, Ricky Enger, inviting you to sit back, relax, and enjoy a conversation with the experts. In this episode, Hadley's chief program officer Ed Haines is joined by Jan and Elgie Dow to discuss the dynamics of vision loss from a couples' perspective. Welcome to the show, everyone.
Ed Haines: Thanks, Ricky.
Jan Dow: Yep.
Elgie Dow: Thank you Ricky.
Ricky Enger: So glad you all could be here now, Ed, you've been on the program a few times before, so I think your voice is familiar to those who have listened. Great to have you here as always, I know you always come up with some really great questions for our guests. For those who don't know Jan and Elgie, why don't we just get a brief introduction for each of you? Let's start with you, Jan.
Jan Dow: I am the sighted member of this pair. I'm a medical technologist by trade and have more of a scientific mindset.
Ricky Enger: Fantastic. And Elgie, how about you?
Elgie Dow: I'm visually impaired. I'm a licensed master social worker, clinical social worker, I'm not always so scientific about things, being a therapist, Jan and I really do make a good pair because of our different backgrounds and different ways we look at things, I think it helps, it brings a lot to our relationship.
Ricky Enger: Yeah, it sounds like it, it's that you both complement each other. One thing that really comes up quite often among our learners is not just about the practical aspects of vision loss, how do I cook again? How do I clean again? But some of the family dynamics that can change as a result of vision loss and just how do we get through that adjustment and still like each other at the end of it all and still maintain that level of individuality that we had before, as well as that level of connectedness that we had as a family? So, this is a topic that comes up all the time and I'm delighted that we have a chance to really explore that. Ed, I know you have some great questions, so I'm going to let you take it away and take us on this journey.
Ed Haines: But before we start, I do want to mention that Elgie and Jan let us know that they've just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, so congratulations to both of you, that's wonderful.
Elgie Dow: Thank you.
Jan Dow: Thank you.
Ed Haines: So, let's dive right in. I have a lot of questions to ask, and I'll start with a topic that is difficult for a lot of couples in that's offering assistance. When you have a spouse that's lost their vision sometimes it's difficult to know when and how to help them, you don't want to help too much, but you also want to make sure you're there when you're needed, so Elgie I just have a question for you, what kinds of things did you do or what language did you use to help Jan understand when and how to help you?
Elgie Dow: “I can't see.” [Laughs] I'm having troubles doing a simple thing, one of the things is that using tools, I've never been really skilled at using tools anyway, but using even a screwdriver, sometimes has been difficult and asking for help there or finding, looking for stuff, I can't see something that's right there and have to ask Jan to help me. Sometimes it's not easy to do that, it certainly wasn't at first, I had to make the adjustment to ask for help.
One of the things I used to, I did all the driving and Jan navigated with a map and that has changed, I cannot read a map quick enough to help her navigate and of course - story is that we were on our way to our niece's wedding in Iowa. We live in Eastern port part of the Upper Peninsula and we went across Upper Peninsula down through Wisconsin, to head for Iowa and got into Madison and we got lost, we had a map, it wasn't pre-GPS, but we didn't have one and we were towing our travel trailer, so we went out to the wedding, it was a great wedding, we had a good time. It was nice, but came home, guess what?
We got lost in the same place in Madison, Wisconsin, we got a GPS, so you know what I mean? You just have to ask for help. I think that was a big thing is I can't see, and I can't find this, or I can't see well enough to screw in that screw, you to admit to it, you have to ask. I guess, going back because I've I started losing my vision 40 years ago. Our daughter is, she was born 1983, so I started losing my vision about the time she was born, realizing that things were dimmer was telling Jan about it, so that was a big thing right there.
Ed Haines: That's actually a great segue into my next question. I was going to ask Jan and sometimes it's difficult to, if you're not experiencing vision loss yourself, it's kind of difficult to understand what your spouse is going through, so Jan, I just wondered if there were specific times or insights that really were revelatory for you as things that really helped you learn or realize something about Elgie's experience?
Jan Dow: The truth is we still go through that 40 years later because I do not know what he can and can't see. Things like when he couldn't pass his driver's license test, things like that are evidence that it's bad enough that he isn't going to be able to drive. The things that happened from outside the relationship are probably just as important for knowing that he can't do some things.
Ed Haines: Elgie you did mention earlier about giving up the role of driving. I wonder if there were other roles in your relationship that have changed both internal to relationship and maybe externally as you relate to the world as a couple?
Elgie Dow: Yes. We are sailors, one thing is I can no longer sail alone because I can't see well enough to. And the other thing is that the roles on the sailboat haven't changed a great deal with the exception that Jan has become my eyes to see things. There's a rock protruding out of the water or I have to get out farther or where the buoys are, where other boats are, there's a fisherman over there, in that respect, our roles have changed. Jan, she still bends the sails on and she still does that kind of stuff and I'm still at the tiller, in that regard our roles has changed, she tells me where to go.
And we're both retired and that's another thing, is that Jan's an outstanding, fantastic cook, so she does all the cooking and I do all the cleaning up and we do stuff together. We're going to be going up to the tiny house and doing some maintenance on it, we'll do it together more so than maybe before, I guess. So, our roles have changed. You know, when we cross a busy street, I take Jan's arm.
One of the things I'm going to admit to that we've talked about just recently because this, like I said, like Jan said, it's an ongoing thing, is using my cane, my white cane. I have a, my stick's name, Sumi and if you know anything about Finnish that means courage and fortitude. I don't carry my white cane enough and we've talked about that, Jan says she wishes I would take it and carry it because then when she is reaching out and taking my arm or holding me back from stepping out onto a busy street or something, or guiding me into something, people will know rather than, they'll know that she isn't just being bossy, so just recently that came up that she says. I mean, I do use it when I walk alone often through town, but she says that she wishes I would use it when, carry it all the time and I guess I'm going to do that.
Ed Haines: That's really interesting. My next question was going to be about the process of this adjustment, and you've already answered that question, but Jan, I wanted to ask you, do you have any insights or any perspective on role changes?
Jan Dow: First off, I have some sympathy for people who are obsessive about things like clean dishes. Yes, Elgie cleans up the kitchen after dinner and which means he loads and unloads the dishwasher. It's not unusual for the dishes not to be clean and you just have to take it and what are you going to do? It's either I do all of this stuff myself or I accept the fact that dishes are going to be put away and once in a while, some of them are dirty. I don't know about roles only that you need to, I don't know, you need to just go with the flow because some things you can't change.
Ed Haines: That's a really good insight, so thank you. So, you've already answered my next question, I was going to ask if you both felt like you've arrived at this point in terms of adjusting. By your response, obviously it sounds like it's an ongoing process, is that a fair assessment?
Jan Dow: We've been married 50 years; we haven't got that right yet either.
Elgie Dow: Yep, I agree with that.
Ed Haines: Well, obviously humor is part of the process for you folks. Are there some, and humor could certainly be one of these, what are some of the strategies you've discovered that you've used as a couple to be successful in adjusting division loss? Where you feel like, "Okay, we've made it, we've learned how to deal with this particular difficulty or this particular level of loss." What kind of strategies have you used to do that?
Jan Dow: Can I go first here? Because there are some things that I think are critical. Make friends with technology, you might just as well learn and be happy about using it because things like BARD and GPS and things like that are just critical to getting around in the world when one of you can't see. I have had to learn to ask for help as well, because there are not two of us who can drive, if I have to be taken somewhere and dropped off, I need to ask a friend or someone else to do it because if the car needs repair, I take it up and I wait or I have to walk home and walk back because we don't have a second car and there's not a second driver. I think the, officially, this is called a visually impaired persons group that meets monthly, I just think it's almost as important to me as it is to Elgie, he wanted to meet with people who had similar experiences. Well, we also meet with the support person for all these people and so I can learn from their experiences too.
Ed Haines: Those are fantastic strategies. And Elgie, how about you? Anything to add to that?
Elgie Dow: I think that's what Jan says is really, really important about asking for help. One of the hardest things, after all I'm a healer and at least I looked at myself as a healer, that means that I shouldn't need help, right? And maybe also growing up in Northern Michigan as a male, had something to do with it too. This macho thing, although I've never been extremely macho, but it was there and asking for help was pretty difficult, saying to people, well, when you and I got together, actually a friend of mine called you to ask your help for me, that was something and then it's 35 miles, I worked as a social worker in a professional facility and we're 35 miles from my work and I lost my driver's license, one of my co-workers who she and I had a carpool for many years, she said to me, "You don't have to worry about getting to work." She said, "We'll work things out." And we did and the support, just the support, that's very important for couples, our support group, trying to figure out how many years we've been meeting, probably at least 15, maybe a little longer than that. The support from that group and the support we both learn, and we teach together, it's just amazing. I think that's very important is to rather than isolate yourself, if you're visually impaired or blind, is to reach out and find other people who are in the same boat that you are, other couples, other support people too, like Jan said.
Ed Haines: That's fantastic advice. I was going to ask you questions about your personality in a way, I'm just curious if, and I'll let Jan answer this first maybe, if that's okay. What personal qualities Jan did you draw on through this adjustment process and where were there parts of your personality that were maybe even strengthened by this whole experience?
Jan Dow: I have learned, as hard as it might be to believe, I have learned to be more patient and in other relationships, besides our relationship with each other, although I may sometimes say it with a strange tone of voice, I am okay with saying, "Listen, if you don't want to do this, don't do it." I mean, I can go do things without him if that's, we don't have to do everything together. And of course, when Elgie said he wasn't very good with tools that's because he hasn't had to be because I'm the carpenter, plumber, electrician, a fixer of things, I always have been but now I have to, but it used to be something that a lot of women are not proud of the fact that they can do things with their hands like that. Having to do it has given me the understanding that it's okay to be the one who gets drills and saws for their birthday.
Ed Haines: So many positive things can happen out of experiences that you don't necessarily think are going to be positive. Elgie, how about you? Were there parts of your personality that have been strengthened by this experience?
Elgie Dow: Yes, I think so. I come to realize that I can be more resilient. It's amazing, I learned that I can do things that I couldn't then I didn't think I could do. I think learning to just go forward and continue on with it. I'm not one of these, well, I am a kind of an adventurer. I don't always think of myself that way to venture out and do something different. One of our experiences, Jan- I've sailed since I was a little boy and this is after losing my vision, Jan said to me, "I'd like to kayak. I'd like to learn to kayak." And I said to her, "I've been a sailor all my life, kayaking I know about a little bit, but..." I said, "I know there's as much to learn about that as there is sailing and I don't know if I have room for all that in my head."
Well, of course we ended up with sea kayaks and we ended up taking lessons and learning to do the stuff that we needed to do to survive if we roll over in Lake Superior, but we did, we went, ahead and learned all that stuff. I didn't really know or think that I'd be able to do that, I did. So, I think you have to realize that you have to reach out and explore and do things that maybe you've never done before because if you don't, you'll just stagnate, you'll just sit there, it's important to know that you're not only are you resilient, but you can adventure out.
Ed Haines: Well, thank you for that, that's fantastic advice. And actually, that brings me to my closing question, and you've covered a lot of ground, both of you already, but Jan, is there just final words of advice you'd give to other couples who are facing the same process?
Jan Dow: Yeah. Elgie said we did take on some new things and he has been visually impaired for some time now, but there are some things that you need to hang on to. We downhill ski, the only things different, I go in front of him and wear a bright colored jacket that's different than other people. So, he can see me in those where I am. We always need to be aware; I have to always be aware that if he goes someplace else in the store or even on the street, that he can't find me, and I have to be aware that I'm the one who has to be thinking about that all the time. And I'm also the one that has to find the unmute button on the Zoom call.
Ed Haines: [Laughs] That's an important button.
Jan Dow: Yes, it is.
Ed Haines: Elgie, how about you in closing? Is there any other advice you'd give to other couples that have been facing vision loss?
Elgie Dow: Yes. Take it one day at a time, no matter what difficulty pops up, stick with it. I'll tell you; commitment is one of the strong, one of the best things in a relationship. Remember that you were attracted to this person for some reason, you cared about them for some reason and even though you might be experiencing difficulties in your relationship, which Jan and I have, nobody gets through marriage without. Don't give up, give it some time, think about the positive things in your relationship. And again, remember that we are resilient, we can do things, we can reach out and ask for help, we can go forward and so those are things I think are really important.
Ed Haines: Well, Elgie, thank you, that's really a terrific uplifting way to end this segment. So, Ricky, I guess I'll turn it over to you.
Ricky Enger: Yeah. I was going to say, I agree, Ed, it's really powerful advice to say that commitment is important, it's not just about when things are going along as you expected them to, but sometimes they turn in a different direction and just maintaining that commitment is so important and you've just celebrated 50 years together, so clearly, you're doing something right. Thank you both so much for sharing your story.
Ed Haines: Yep, thank you.
Elgie Dow: Thank you, Ricky.
Jan Dow: You're welcome.
Ricky Enger: Got something to say. Share your thoughts about this episode of Hadley Presents or make suggestions for future episodes. We'd love to hear from you. Send us an email at [email protected] that's [email protected]. Or leave us a message at (847) 784-2870. Thanks for listening.
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Episode 106
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Episode 105
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Episode 85
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Episode 84
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Episode 83
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Episode 82
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Episode 80
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Episode 79
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Episode 78
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Episode 77
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Episode 76
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Episode 74
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Episode 73
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Episode 72
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Episode 71
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Episode 70
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Episode 69
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Episode 68
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Episode 67
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Episode 66
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Episode 65
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Episode 64
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Episode 63
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Episode 62
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Episode 61
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Episode 60
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Episode 59
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Episode 58
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Episode 57
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Episode 56
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Episode 55
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Episode 54
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Episode 53
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Episode 52
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Episode 51
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Episode 50
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Episode 49
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Episode 48
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Episode 47
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Episode 46
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Episode 45
We're joined by Teepa Snow, occupational therapist and founder of Positive Approach to Care, to learn more about the challenges of having both vision loss and dementia. Teepa addresses common misconceptions about dementia and shares practical tips for supporting someone with both conditions.
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Episode 44
We sat down with several Hadley staff members and asked them about their favorite tech tips, apps, and gadgets. Whether you consider yourself a tech expert or novice, the group recommends a variety of high-tech and low-tech options that fit your comfort level and interests.
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Episode 43
Judge David Tatel has served on the second most powerful court in the country since 1994. He also happens to be blind. Judge Tatel joins us to share his story on building a law career and family while dealing with changing vision, the technology and resources he's found useful, and what made him consider getting a guide dog in recent years.
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Episode 42
In honor of White Cane Safety Day today, we're joined by Hadley learner Larry Carlson and Orientation and Mobility Specialist Elijah Haines for a conversation about this important tool. Larry shares what made him decide to use a white cane, and Elijah shares tips for what to consider and how to adjust to using a white cane.
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Episode 41
Supriya Raman, manager of the Disability and Multicultural branches of the TSA, shares tips on traveling among shifting COVID restrictions. Supriya covers what to expect at the airport and what resources are available for people with visual impairment.
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Episode 40
Photographer Michael Nye chats with us about his latest art exhibit, "My Heart is Not Blind," a collection of photos and audio interviews of people with visual impairment. Through these stories, Michael provides a look into what he calls "our shared humanity and shared fragility," as well as common misunderstandings about blindness.
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Episode 39
Champion blind golfer Chad NeSmith talks about how vision loss shaped his life, and how he shares his passion for golf with others with vision loss.
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Episode 38
Doug Walker, Hadley co-director of R&D, and Ed Haines, Hadley Chief Program Officer, chat about the making of Hadley's "Adjusting to Vision Loss" workshop series. The series guides people through the emotional aspects of vision loss. Doug serves as the series' personal storyteller and narrator.
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Episode 37
In this episode we chat with ophthalmologist Dr. Angela Elam from the University of Michigan. Dr. Elam addresses common questions and concerns, and shares her advice for returning to the eye doctor among shifting COVID restrictions.
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Episode 36
Dorrie Rush, OE's Chief Content Officer, joins us for a chat about this wonderful online resource chock full of tips for living well with vision loss. You'll find great articles on using tech tools, tips for health and well-being, stories from others living with vision loss, a terrific podcast, and more.
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Episode 35
Learn about a new service that’s just launched in 2020 called Accessible Pharmacy. Accessible packaging and labeling and personalized customer support all free of charge to the end consumer, and specifically designed for those with vision impairment.
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Episode 34
Audio Describe the World! That’s the mantra of UniDescription: a free smartphone app that provides audio descriptions and navigation tips for US National Parks and other public places.
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Episode 33
In this episode, we chat with low vision optometrist Dr. Mark Wilkinson from the University of Iowa. Dr. Wilkinson answers common questions and shares his advice for getting the most out of low vision optometry appointments.
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Episode 31
Join Hadley advisor Eddie Becerra as he shares about losing his sight from diabetic retinopathy, and how he gained a new perspective on life.
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Episode 30
Classically trained chef Regina Mitchell shares how vision loss shaped her life. Regina worked her way back into the kitchen and is now helping others cook with confidence, no matter their vision.
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Episode 29
In this episode we sit down with the director of Well Connected, an organization that offers free, call-in groups for adults over 60 on a wide variety of interest areas: games, music, meditation and more.
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Episode 28
Support groups can be a great way to connect with others who "get it." Listen in as as low vision support group leaders Lynndah Lahey and Judy Davis describe how their groups are run and what their members get out of them.
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Episode 27
World-renowned artist John Bramblitt describes how vision loss has shaped his painting and his life.
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Episode 26
In this episode, we chat with Dr. Tim Murray of the American Society of Retina Specialists. Dr. Murray treats eye diseases such as macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy. He answers common questions and shares his insights into the future of treatments.
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Episode 25
In this episode, we sit down with Dr. Jullia Rosdahl, a glaucoma specialist from the Duke Eye Center, and ask her some of the many questions we’ve heard about glaucoma, its risk factors, and how to treat the disease.
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Episode 24
Hadley learning expert Jessica Smith shares her experience raising a puppy that may eventually become a guide dog. She covers what she’s learned and things to consider if you’d like to volunteer to help out a guide dog school.
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Episode 23
October 15 is White Cane Safety Day, a day to recognize this important tool that empowers people with visual impairment to travel safely and independently. It also brings attention to the general public to be mindful of visually impaired neighbors, giving them additional consideration and right-of-way when needed. We sat down with Kellee Sanchez, an orientation and mobility specialist, to talk about the history of White Cane Safety Day, and how a white cane can help those with vision loss.
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Episode 22
Be My Eyes is a free smartphone app that connects visually impaired users with sighted volunteers for help with visual tasks. We sat down with Will Butler from Be My Eyes to hear how the app started, tips for using it, and exciting new features that provide specialized assistance, including with Hadley.
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Episode 21
Tracy Simon from Eye2Eye peer support program shares her story of vision loss, how her program works, and the benefits of connecting with and supporting each other.
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Episode 20
Ophthalmologist Dr. Lori Provencher chats with us about how the coronavirus pandemic has changed doctor's visits. She shares tips for staying safe, questions to ask, and what to expect before, during and after your next office visit.
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Episode 19
Mindfulness expert Tiffany Guske returns to the podcast to share tips and insights on how to cope with life's challenges, such as vision loss or an illness, building resilience and focusing on self-compassion instead of judgment.
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Episode 18
Author of "When You Can't Believe Your Eyes," Hannah Fairbairn, chats with us about how to communicate in everyday situations when you can't rely on visual cues. Hear Hannah's own story about losing vision, her practical tips on adjusting to vision loss, and advice she has on regaining confidence in social situations.
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Episode 17
In this episode, we continue the conversation on living during the COVID-19 pandemic with a visual impairment. Listen in as we share some experiences, tips, and strategies for coping during these difficult times.
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Episode 16
The COVID-19 crisis has brought a wave of change and uncertainty to our everyday lives. Listen in as we share personal experiences, resources and some helpful tips...all from a blind or low vision perspective.
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Episode 15
Assistive technology experts Ricky Enger and Steve Kelley review BlindShell, a mobile phone built for those with visual impairment. They discuss the basic features, how it differs from a traditional smartphone, and how to decide if it's right for you.
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Episode 14
This week we sit down with Dan Roberts, author of "The First Year-Age-Related Macular Degeneration: An Essential Guide for the Newly Diagnosed" and founder of MDSupport website and support group. Hear Dan's own story about being diagnosed with macular degeneration and what prompted him to reach out to others facing similar circumstances.
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Episode 13
Listen in as we explore the basics of using hand tools with a visual impairment. Gil Johnson, a visually impaired home repair expert, shares tips on everything from measuring, to leveling to hammering.
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Episode 12
Elections are right around the corner. So we gathered a panel to talk about options for voting no matter your level of vision. Listen in as we explore everything you need to know, from registering to vote to the many ways you can cast your ballot.
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Episode 11
Ricky sits down with Android Accessibility Product Manager Brian Kemler to discuss what is available on Android phones for those with visual impairment. From adjusting font size and color, or opting to listen with TalkBack instead, the commitment to making these powerful tools more useful to a wider audience is clear.
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Episode 10
In this episode, we chat with Gil Johnson, an experienced home repair and woodworking enthusiast about things to consider when undertaking home repair with blindness or low vision.
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Episode 9
Hadley's Debbie Good sits down to continue a conversation with author and visually impaired world traveler Dr. Wendy David. Together they explore a wide variety of helpful hints covering train, plane, and cruise travel as well as practical information on traveling internationally and navigating hotels.
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Episode 8
In this episode, Ricky Enger chats with Joe Strechay, associate producer on the Apple TV+ series SEE. The show takes place in a future where, after a viral apocalypse, all humans are blind. Joe takes us behind the scenes of the show and his work to help build an inclusive set for the cast and crew, including those with low to no vision. From casting to costumes, scripting to scenery, hear how Joe helped create a science fiction world that strives to be authentic to life with vision loss.
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Episode 7
Hadley's Debbie Good sits down with travel author Dr. Wendy David in this latest episode. In part one of this two-part interview, Debbie and Wendy discuss tips for traveling with confidence as a blind or low vision person, advice on picking destinations, considerations for traveling alone and in a group, and more!
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Episode 6
Ricky Enger is joined by Hadley's Debbie Worman and mindfulness expert Tiffany Guske in this latest episode. Debbie and Tiffany talk about what mindfulness is and the specific benefits that mindfulness can offer for those living with vision loss. Tiffany then walks listeners through a short mindfulness exercise.
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Episode 5
In this episode, Ricky Enger speaks with New York Times columnist Frank Bruni, who shares the story of his sudden vision loss from NAION. Bruni speaks candidly on his adjustment to the change, maintaining a realistic attitude towards his vision loss, and the failure of medical professionals to provide resources after diagnosis.
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Episode 4
Listen in as we share practical tips on how to keep your handwriting readable. This resource-packed episode includes many useful techniques and solutions to common handwriting challenges. Hadley Learning Expert Jennifer Ottowitz chats with Sue Dalton, Certified Vision Rehabilitation Therapist.
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Episode 3
In this episode, Hadley's Steve Kelley speaks with Kendra Farrow, from the National Research and Training Center on Blindness and Low Vision, located at Mississippi State. The episode serves as a guide for those new to vision rehabilitation, including determining who is eligible for services, key differences between the medical and social services models, and how to locate services in each state.
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Episode 2
In this episode, Ricky Enger chats with Microsoft's Jeremy Curry, a Senior Program Manager with the Windows Accessibility team. New vision accessibility features are now available in Windows 10 for low vision and screen reader users.
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Episode 1
In the inaugural episode of Hadley Presents, Ricky Enger and Jonathan Mosen of Aira chat about the ways in which a visual interpreter service, such as Aira, can be used to gain valuable visual information and enhance travel and leisure activities for blind and low vision users.