"I've got to live. I can't merely exist."
When Eddie lost a fair amount of vision, she was scared and didn’t know how she was going to cope. But she found a source of strength and inspiration.
Hadley
“I’ve got to live. I can’t merely exist.”
Eddie: I couldn't cope at all. I felt like there was no reason to live was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared.
Marc: This is Hadley’s Insights and Sound Bites, where people facing vision loss share what has helped them cope and adjust.
Eddie: My name is Eddie Dell and I live in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Well, actually, I didn't begin noticing anything till after my surgery. I had cataract and glaucoma surgery. And the glaucoma surgery was to decrease the pressure because, you know, it was still coming up. But the cataract, you know, I had had it for a while and it was time for it to come out. It was something that was necessary. It damaged the nerve, I'm quite sure. And then, you know, afterwards, that's when I start having my problems.
It's like scary, very scary because it's like, oh my God, what's happening to me? You know? Nothing is really clear, clear. The colors now are kind of dull.
I couldn't cope at all. And when I talk about it, I begin to cry. I'm sorry. And the thing is with me when, you know, he was, you know, when I was telling the doctor about my, you know, problem and everything, well, they don't give you any suggestions on how to deal with it. I, I think I cried for months before, and then I just kept praying, asked, what can I do?
I gave up my keys myself. I stopped driving because sometimes I would drive and like I would see a person and then I would not see a person. So, I said, no, I, so I gave my keys myself, because I said no, I would to not drive and, you know, than to hit someone. I couldn't live with it, you know, even if I didn't, you know, hurt 'em or kill 'em or whatever. So, it was hard. And it is, it is giving them your independence because you just can't do things that you normally wouldn't do on your own. I mean, I'm basically an independent person. I raised three children on my own after my divorce. And I'm not used to, depending on people that do things for me. And like, I really notice the difference in giving up the keys.
So, I googled and then Google gave me Hadley and I called. And I called about a group. The group, it helped me tremendously. It helped me because I just felt like I had no purpose anymore. I felt like, why, you know, why me, number one, why, you know, after surgery, and then again, I felt like there was no reason to live. Was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared. I like cried every day. And like, it was very, very scary. It was something new, and I didn't know what to do. And I said, you know, at least he could have done is tell me what I can do to cope.
I had not accepted it. And I was in denial. And almost through the whole class, I was in denial. And, and then I decided, okay, yes, you gotta accept it. Even though in denial, the class helped me know that I got to do something to be able to live. I can't just merely exist.
And in hearing how other people were coping and, you know, adjusting, it helped me tremendously. I could even sleep. The tears, they stop. Every day, maybe once a week, you get frustrated because one day seems worse than the next day. And like, am I gonna really ever accept it? You know? And, it's just, I don't know, it's just something, why me? You not saying why me, but why not me?
When we had the Coping and Adjusting class, it only went eight weeks. It helped so much. It lifts a burden. And it's like giving you the energy to complete the week. And, you know, with me, it's made everything more acceptable.
And I just think to myself that I got to do this. I can't give up. Giving up is not an option. I got to live. I can't merely exist. So, I have to thrive and I have to continue to learn and keep put, putting forth the effort to know more about my condition or possibility of maybe, you know, not getting better, but praying and hoping that it stays the same. However, knowing that either way it's something I got to learn to live with, so why not go ahead and learn to live with it, whether or not it's gonna get better or whether it's not, it's gonna get worse. So that's what keeps me going, knowing that I got, I gotta, I gotta do it.
I wanted to travel and, and you know, like they say the bucket list when you get older. I'm gonna do those things. I'm determined to do them and I wanted to do them. I got to learn how to do them. I wanted do a cross-country train trip. I want to do that. Just, visiting, actually places that, even in North Carolina and South Carolina and just not being sedentary, you know? And that was my aim just to, you know, get with my cousin or my friend and just do things. And I gotta push myself. If I don't learn how to do it, I won't do it. And I end up, you know, not putting out the day for tomorrow. I got to continue.
Marc: Insights & Sound Bites has made possible by Hadley’s donors. Who understand that hearing someone else’s story can truly make a difference.
You never know who might need to hear your story. If you’d like to share with us, just leave us a message on our Insights & Sound Bites voicemail. By calling, 847-512-4867. Or, you can use your smartphone or computer and email us a recording to [email protected].
All Episodes
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Episode 100
As Patricia's vision changed, doing things on her own became harder, and at times she felt like no one really understood. Connecting with others going through many of the same things helped her feel less alone and more like herself again.
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Episode 99
Rebecca was used to handling things on her own, but vision loss brought anger, frustration, and challenges she hadn't expected. Over time, she found a different way forward, making room for the hard days, accepting help, and finding people who understood.
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Episode 98
As her vision changed, Martha worried her world might start getting smaller. But a trip reminded her that she didn't have to give up the things she loved. Turns out, asking for a little help can take you a long way.
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Episode 97
Vision loss doesn't always happen all at once. For Kara, it keeps changing, which means she's constantly figuring out what she can and can't do. Hear how she's learning to adjust, deal with the frustrations, and take each day as it comes.
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Episode 96
For Carolyn, connecting with people has always come naturally. When vision loss made it harder to recognize faces, she worried about missing those everyday connections. Hear how speaking up about her vision helped others understand what she needed.
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Episode 95
A close call on a walk changed the way Lance thinks about living with vision loss. It reminded him to stay open, keep learning, and keep moving forward.
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Episode 94
For Dottie, losing her vision meant giving up many things, and there was one farewell that hit especially hard. But after making a difficult choice to let go of something she loved, Dottie found a new perspective on what she had lost—and gained.
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Episode 93
Linda always imagined retirement would mean doing the volunteer work she loved, but after losing her eyesight, she thought that chapter of her life was over. Then one memorable hospital visit reminded her she still had exactly what people needed.
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Episode 92
As Mary's vision worsened, the life she'd always known began slipping out of reach. She wasn't sure where to turn or what might help. But a chance meeting changed things for her in ways she now hopes to pass on.
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Episode 91
When Susan began losing vision, she grew fearful about the future. But she found a source of hope and courage.
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Episode 90
Early in her journey with vision loss, Char was bitter and angry at the world. But one day, a heartfelt conversation helped her turn a corner and, as she put it, "look at vision loss through different eyes."
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Episode 89
The impact vision loss had on Todd's life was profound. Through cycles of anger and depression, he often took it out on those who cared most about him. Then he started channeling those emotions into a new activity, and that made all the difference for him and his family.
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