"I've got to live. I can't merely exist."
When Eddie lost a fair amount of vision, she was scared and didn’t know how she was going to cope. But she found a source of strength and inspiration.
Hadley
“I’ve got to live. I can’t merely exist.”
Eddie: I couldn't cope at all. I felt like there was no reason to live was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared.
Marc: This is Hadley’s Insights and Sound Bites, where people facing vision loss share what has helped them cope and adjust.
Eddie: My name is Eddie Dell and I live in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Well, actually, I didn't begin noticing anything till after my surgery. I had cataract and glaucoma surgery. And the glaucoma surgery was to decrease the pressure because, you know, it was still coming up. But the cataract, you know, I had had it for a while and it was time for it to come out. It was something that was necessary. It damaged the nerve, I'm quite sure. And then, you know, afterwards, that's when I start having my problems.
It's like scary, very scary because it's like, oh my God, what's happening to me? You know? Nothing is really clear, clear. The colors now are kind of dull.
I couldn't cope at all. And when I talk about it, I begin to cry. I'm sorry. And the thing is with me when, you know, he was, you know, when I was telling the doctor about my, you know, problem and everything, well, they don't give you any suggestions on how to deal with it. I, I think I cried for months before, and then I just kept praying, asked, what can I do?
I gave up my keys myself. I stopped driving because sometimes I would drive and like I would see a person and then I would not see a person. So, I said, no, I, so I gave my keys myself, because I said no, I would to not drive and, you know, than to hit someone. I couldn't live with it, you know, even if I didn't, you know, hurt 'em or kill 'em or whatever. So, it was hard. And it is, it is giving them your independence because you just can't do things that you normally wouldn't do on your own. I mean, I'm basically an independent person. I raised three children on my own after my divorce. And I'm not used to, depending on people that do things for me. And like, I really notice the difference in giving up the keys.
So, I googled and then Google gave me Hadley and I called. And I called about a group. The group, it helped me tremendously. It helped me because I just felt like I had no purpose anymore. I felt like, why, you know, why me, number one, why, you know, after surgery, and then again, I felt like there was no reason to live. Was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared. I like cried every day. And like, it was very, very scary. It was something new, and I didn't know what to do. And I said, you know, at least he could have done is tell me what I can do to cope.
I had not accepted it. And I was in denial. And almost through the whole class, I was in denial. And, and then I decided, okay, yes, you gotta accept it. Even though in denial, the class helped me know that I got to do something to be able to live. I can't just merely exist.
And in hearing how other people were coping and, you know, adjusting, it helped me tremendously. I could even sleep. The tears, they stop. Every day, maybe once a week, you get frustrated because one day seems worse than the next day. And like, am I gonna really ever accept it? You know? And, it's just, I don't know, it's just something, why me? You not saying why me, but why not me?
When we had the Coping and Adjusting class, it only went eight weeks. It helped so much. It lifts a burden. And it's like giving you the energy to complete the week. And, you know, with me, it's made everything more acceptable.
And I just think to myself that I got to do this. I can't give up. Giving up is not an option. I got to live. I can't merely exist. So, I have to thrive and I have to continue to learn and keep put, putting forth the effort to know more about my condition or possibility of maybe, you know, not getting better, but praying and hoping that it stays the same. However, knowing that either way it's something I got to learn to live with, so why not go ahead and learn to live with it, whether or not it's gonna get better or whether it's not, it's gonna get worse. So that's what keeps me going, knowing that I got, I gotta, I gotta do it.
I wanted to travel and, and you know, like they say the bucket list when you get older. I'm gonna do those things. I'm determined to do them and I wanted to do them. I got to learn how to do them. I wanted do a cross-country train trip. I want to do that. Just, visiting, actually places that, even in North Carolina and South Carolina and just not being sedentary, you know? And that was my aim just to, you know, get with my cousin or my friend and just do things. And I gotta push myself. If I don't learn how to do it, I won't do it. And I end up, you know, not putting out the day for tomorrow. I got to continue.
Marc: Insights & Sound Bites has made possible by Hadley’s donors. Who understand that hearing someone else’s story can truly make a difference.
You never know who might need to hear your story. If you’d like to share with us, just leave us a message on our Insights & Sound Bites voicemail. By calling, 847-512-4867. Or, you can use your smartphone or computer and email us a recording to [email protected].
All Episodes
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Episode 68
Losing a fair amount of her vision brought with it a series of other losses for Dia. She began to feel depressed and very fearful. However, she gradually started giving herself pep talks and reconnecting with the things that bring her joy.
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Episode 67
Julia had always lived life on her own terms. So, when vision loss meant giving up her car keys, she used a white cane or her husband's arm to guide her steps, and kept going. Still, she noticed a change in how others treated her… until she made a decision she now calls, "the best thing I ever did."
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Episode 66
When the scenario Leighann had feared for years finally happened and glaucoma took much of her vision, it hit her hard. But her desire to keep living meant challenging herself—even when it scared her.
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Episode 65
Michael's vision loss led him down a long, uncomfortable road, discovering what he had to let go of and what he could still hold on to for his future. He continues to challenge himself to try new things.
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Episode 64
Tamisue's eyesight has diminished to the point where she feels stuck between two worlds—not enough vision to function as she once did, but not fully blind. She fears her world going completely dark. However, an addition to her life has made a tremendous difference for both her and her family.
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Episode 63
The loss Tom feels regarding his vision is complicated because it is ongoing. Acceptance has not come easy. Through the years, though, he has come to approach life a bit differently.
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Episode 62
Anne's declining vision had her feeling down and sorry for herself. But two gifts—one she gave and one she received—helped turn things around for her.
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Episode 61
Glaucoma advanced to the point where Ron found it too difficult to do the volunteer work he loved in retirement. Still, he found a way to pull himself out of the hole he felt he was in and continue to give back.
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Episode 60
Diabetic retinopathy has taken more and more of Charles's vision. To cope, he is learning new approaches to life AND leaning into areas of passion that don't rely on sight.
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Episode 59
Bruce's vision had been decreasing for years. When it reached the point where he was tripping over objects and bumping into people, he felt embarrassed and kept his vision loss a secret. His wife convinced him to try something new.
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Episode 58
Marie grieved the loss of her vision, and still does. Yet, on a sunny August morning, she came to a realization that made all the difference in the world.
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Episode 57
Terry's doctor told him, "There's nothing more we can do. You'll never drive again," and he was distraught. Then he recalled his military days as a Marine and sailor, and that got him through.