"I've got to live. I can't merely exist."
When Eddie lost a fair amount of vision, she was scared and didn’t know how she was going to cope. But she found a source of strength and inspiration.
Hadley
“I’ve got to live. I can’t merely exist.”
Eddie: I couldn't cope at all. I felt like there was no reason to live was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared.
Marc: This is Hadley’s Insights and Sound Bites, where people facing vision loss share what has helped them cope and adjust.
Eddie: My name is Eddie Dell and I live in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Well, actually, I didn't begin noticing anything till after my surgery. I had cataract and glaucoma surgery. And the glaucoma surgery was to decrease the pressure because, you know, it was still coming up. But the cataract, you know, I had had it for a while and it was time for it to come out. It was something that was necessary. It damaged the nerve, I'm quite sure. And then, you know, afterwards, that's when I start having my problems.
It's like scary, very scary because it's like, oh my God, what's happening to me? You know? Nothing is really clear, clear. The colors now are kind of dull.
I couldn't cope at all. And when I talk about it, I begin to cry. I'm sorry. And the thing is with me when, you know, he was, you know, when I was telling the doctor about my, you know, problem and everything, well, they don't give you any suggestions on how to deal with it. I, I think I cried for months before, and then I just kept praying, asked, what can I do?
I gave up my keys myself. I stopped driving because sometimes I would drive and like I would see a person and then I would not see a person. So, I said, no, I, so I gave my keys myself, because I said no, I would to not drive and, you know, than to hit someone. I couldn't live with it, you know, even if I didn't, you know, hurt 'em or kill 'em or whatever. So, it was hard. And it is, it is giving them your independence because you just can't do things that you normally wouldn't do on your own. I mean, I'm basically an independent person. I raised three children on my own after my divorce. And I'm not used to, depending on people that do things for me. And like, I really notice the difference in giving up the keys.
So, I googled and then Google gave me Hadley and I called. And I called about a group. The group, it helped me tremendously. It helped me because I just felt like I had no purpose anymore. I felt like, why, you know, why me, number one, why, you know, after surgery, and then again, I felt like there was no reason to live. Was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared. I like cried every day. And like, it was very, very scary. It was something new, and I didn't know what to do. And I said, you know, at least he could have done is tell me what I can do to cope.
I had not accepted it. And I was in denial. And almost through the whole class, I was in denial. And, and then I decided, okay, yes, you gotta accept it. Even though in denial, the class helped me know that I got to do something to be able to live. I can't just merely exist.
And in hearing how other people were coping and, you know, adjusting, it helped me tremendously. I could even sleep. The tears, they stop. Every day, maybe once a week, you get frustrated because one day seems worse than the next day. And like, am I gonna really ever accept it? You know? And, it's just, I don't know, it's just something, why me? You not saying why me, but why not me?
When we had the Coping and Adjusting class, it only went eight weeks. It helped so much. It lifts a burden. And it's like giving you the energy to complete the week. And, you know, with me, it's made everything more acceptable.
And I just think to myself that I got to do this. I can't give up. Giving up is not an option. I got to live. I can't merely exist. So, I have to thrive and I have to continue to learn and keep put, putting forth the effort to know more about my condition or possibility of maybe, you know, not getting better, but praying and hoping that it stays the same. However, knowing that either way it's something I got to learn to live with, so why not go ahead and learn to live with it, whether or not it's gonna get better or whether it's not, it's gonna get worse. So that's what keeps me going, knowing that I got, I gotta, I gotta do it.
I wanted to travel and, and you know, like they say the bucket list when you get older. I'm gonna do those things. I'm determined to do them and I wanted to do them. I got to learn how to do them. I wanted do a cross-country train trip. I want to do that. Just, visiting, actually places that, even in North Carolina and South Carolina and just not being sedentary, you know? And that was my aim just to, you know, get with my cousin or my friend and just do things. And I gotta push myself. If I don't learn how to do it, I won't do it. And I end up, you know, not putting out the day for tomorrow. I got to continue.
Marc: Insights & Sound Bites has made possible by Hadley’s donors. Who understand that hearing someone else’s story can truly make a difference.
You never know who might need to hear your story. If you’d like to share with us, just leave us a message on our Insights & Sound Bites voicemail. By calling, 847-512-4867. Or, you can use your smartphone or computer and email us a recording to [email protected].
All Episodes
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Episode 60
Diabetic retinopathy has taken more and more of Charles's vision. To cope, he is learning new approaches to life AND leaning into areas of passion that don't rely on sight.
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Episode 59
Bruce's vision had been decreasing for years. When it reached the point where he was tripping over objects and bumping into people, he felt embarrassed and kept his vision loss a secret. His wife convinced him to try something new.
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Episode 58
Marie grieved the loss of her vision, and still does. Yet, on a sunny August morning, she came to a realization that made all the difference in the world.
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Episode 57
Terry's doctor told him, "There's nothing more we can do. You'll never drive again," and he was distraught. Then he recalled his military days as a Marine and sailor, and that got him through.
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Episode 56
When Emma lost her sight in just a few months, she struggled to cope. She felt alone, her insecurities grew, and self-esteem plummeted. With time, she came to a new understanding and that helped her tremendously.
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Episode 55
Dave calls his experience with vision loss a slow torture. In the face of this, however, he has found a sense of inspiration in explorers, history, and an activity you wouldn't typically connect with vision loss, sightseeing.
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Episode 54
When Albert's vision decreased to the point that he could no longer read print anymore, he found it stressful. But he's found a new source of comfort that helps him quite a bit.
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Episode 53
Jayne can feel isolated living with her eye disease, spending much of her days forcing herself to focus on things that have become blurry. The stress can be overwhelming, causing her to shut down. But there's one area of life that now brings her more joy than ever before.
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Episode 52
When Jeffry lost his sight, he felt a loss of control, a loss of dignity. Then, he began his long road to empowerment, one small goal at a time.
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Episode 51
Marilyn went through bouts of anxiety and depression with her vision loss and still grieves the loss several years into her journey. She also decided to do something for herself which has helped tremendously.
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Episode 50
Learning to live with vision loss wasn't always easy for Pam. But with time, her bad days are fewer.
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Episode 49
Jennifer didn't know what to do or who to go to for help as her vision was fading. Then, by chance, she found some help. She found some direction.
The book referenced in this episode is "Macular Degeneration: The Complete Guide to Saving and Maximizing Your Sight"