"I've got to live. I can't merely exist."

Hadley

“I’ve got to live. I can’t merely exist.”

Eddie: I couldn't cope at all. I felt like there was no reason to live was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared.

Marc: This is Hadley’s Insights and Sound Bites, where people facing vision loss share what has helped them cope and adjust.

Eddie: My name is Eddie Dell and I live in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Well, actually, I didn't begin noticing anything till after my surgery. I had cataract and glaucoma surgery. And the glaucoma surgery was to decrease the pressure because, you know, it was still coming up. But the cataract, you know, I had had it for a while and it was time for it to come out. It was something that was necessary. It damaged the nerve, I'm quite sure. And then, you know, afterwards, that's when I start having my problems.

It's like scary, very scary because it's like, oh my God, what's happening to me? You know? Nothing is really clear, clear. The colors now are kind of dull.

I couldn't cope at all. And when I talk about it, I begin to cry. I'm sorry. And the thing is with me when, you know, he was, you know, when I was telling the doctor about my, you know, problem and everything, well, they don't give you any suggestions on how to deal with it. I, I think I cried for months before, and then I just kept praying, asked, what can I do?

I gave up my keys myself. I stopped driving because sometimes I would drive and like I would see a person and then I would not see a person. So, I said, no, I, so I gave my keys myself, because I said no, I would to not drive and, you know, than to hit someone. I couldn't live with it, you know, even if I didn't, you know, hurt 'em or kill 'em or whatever. So, it was hard. And it is, it is giving them your independence because you just can't do things that you normally wouldn't do on your own. I mean, I'm basically an independent person. I raised three children on my own after my divorce. And I'm not used to, depending on people that do things for me. And like, I really notice the difference in giving up the keys.

So, I googled and then Google gave me Hadley and I called. And I called about a group. The group, it helped me tremendously. It helped me because I just felt like I had no purpose anymore. I felt like, why, you know, why me, number one, why, you know, after surgery, and then again, I felt like there was no reason to live. Was you losing the most important sense that you have. And I just didn't think I can do it. I was so scared. I like cried every day. And like, it was very, very scary. It was something new, and I didn't know what to do. And I said, you know, at least he could have done is tell me what I can do to cope.

I had not accepted it. And I was in denial. And almost through the whole class, I was in denial. And, and then I decided, okay, yes, you gotta accept it. Even though in denial, the class helped me know that I got to do something to be able to live. I can't just merely exist.

And in hearing how other people were coping and, you know, adjusting, it helped me tremendously. I could even sleep. The tears, they stop. Every day, maybe once a week, you get frustrated because one day seems worse than the next day. And like, am I gonna really ever accept it? You know? And, it's just, I don't know, it's just something, why me? You not saying why me, but why not me?

When we had the Coping and Adjusting class, it only went eight weeks. It helped so much. It lifts a burden. And it's like giving you the energy to complete the week. And, you know, with me, it's made everything more acceptable.

And I just think to myself that I got to do this. I can't give up. Giving up is not an option. I got to live. I can't merely exist. So, I have to thrive and I have to continue to learn and keep put, putting forth the effort to know more about my condition or possibility of maybe, you know, not getting better, but praying and hoping that it stays the same. However, knowing that either way it's something I got to learn to live with, so why not go ahead and learn to live with it, whether or not it's gonna get better or whether it's not, it's gonna get worse. So that's what keeps me going, knowing that I got, I gotta, I gotta do it.

I wanted to travel and, and you know, like they say the bucket list when you get older. I'm gonna do those things. I'm determined to do them and I wanted to do them. I got to learn how to do them. I wanted do a cross-country train trip. I want to do that. Just, visiting, actually places that, even in North Carolina and South Carolina and just not being sedentary, you know? And that was my aim just to, you know, get with my cousin or my friend and just do things. And I gotta push myself. If I don't learn how to do it, I won't do it. And I end up, you know, not putting out the day for tomorrow. I got to continue.

Marc: Insights & Sound Bites has made possible by Hadley’s donors. Who understand that hearing someone else’s story can truly make a difference.

You never know who might need to hear your story. If you’d like to share with us, just leave us a message on our Insights & Sound Bites voicemail. By calling, 847-512-4867. Or, you can use your smartphone or computer and email us a recording to [email protected].